Hello, I hope all is well with you, it's peaceful for me, which I think is the most beautiful feeling of all.
I was up late last night chatting away to a friend of mine (a real one) about, naturally enough, cancer and death. I don't dwell on it, but the subject was raised rather impolitely and shockingly by someone I can only describe as deranged, so inevitably the illness and it's consequences are on my mind.
I don't intend this post to be morbid, I'll leave that to pawcirclers who spam up the twitter page till it resembles a morgue.
We return to the subject of this blog. Unless you are very young and you are diagnosed with cancer, you can't really understand what it's like. For me anyway, it was surreal. I couldn't have been more shocked than if someone had told me I'd grown a third fucking ear on my head. The feeling of unreality was the worst thing for me. I truly felt as though it was my head on someone else's body. Even now, I still sometimes think is this really happening?
My outlook of life is that I think it's undignified to struggle against the things we can't change. I don't feel miserably resigned to a horrible fate, I feel peacefully reconciled to a fact of life.
I have to confess, I rather despise people who hang on to life till the bitter end, what's the fucking point? Contrary to what a few poisonous people here think, I don't suffer from Egoismus Giganticus (I just made that up). When I die, I know the space I'll leave behind will quickly be populated by another body, that's the way nature works. My death will be no more significant than as if a speck of dust had left the planet. And my nihilism makes me at peace with that.
I sometimes think egotistical types instinctively dislike me because my perspective invalidates their inflated Me! Me! Me! bullshit. These are the kind of people who at 180 years old will still insist on wasting taxpayer's money with chemotherapy to give them a few more months of pain filled whining existence. Needless to say, I'm a big believer in euthanasia.
Death itself doesn't frighten me, it's an inevitability of life. It's ridiculous to get excited over something that will happen to us all. At a minimum death is simply the cessation of life, of consciousness, some stupid Repub retard (there's a tautology) said something about me dying and going to God (get this) "if God will have you!" it was so stupidly dramatic, such awful kitsch prose, she really thinks that speculating about when there's going to be a Communist Hispanic President in the White House (It's inevitable) is enough to consign one to Hell I bet she thinks there's a Devil there too, if there is he looks like George Bush.
The rest of her drivel was unreadable (that bit at least made me laugh) so I simply consigned it to where it belonged with the press of the delete button.
My pantheism precludes me from accepting medicine which has been tested on animals. The testing of cancer 'treatments' (none of which are consistently successful anyway) on animals is particularly horrific. Yes yes, I do imagine I look like a freak. But I wonder, if you've read about and seen footage of animals in laboratories whether you would feel the same? If I go through life compromising one principle after another in the service of my own interests, there's no point in my being alive in the first place.
If we don't have some kind of consistent overall Weltanschaung and conscience for which we are prepared to make sacrifices or take risks , then we are simply reduced to production and consumption units. I can't live like that. I'd rather be dead. I don't expect people who blog about plague ratsies to understand this.
I've not been the timeline in a real sense since a certain cold hearted and deranged piece of shit suggested that I had lied about my condition. Her psychotic attack rattled me. She attacked me in this way because I'd removed her from follows, that's all. Can you believe that? What kind of perspective is that?
Like I said, egoistical, intellectually dull types instinctively dislike me. I salute them with one finger. Fuck them.
