Until you hang upon such a cross, you won't know a thing about laughter or loss...and you don't believe me now, but you will...you will, you wil you will you will...you will, you will - Titus Andronicus

Hey All, Best Read This First:

reetings and a warm welcome to my blog.

First things first

This blog contains words and references offensive to those who never made it through the maturation process.

The intellectually and psychologically impaired will find nothing here to enjoy.

If this applies to you, dear reader, you're welcome, and strongly encouraged to leave now. No hard feelings on my part.

I'm trying to make this clear to the 'boo hoo brigade". If you CANNOT grasp this simple concept. This page is NOT FOR YOU


*PS: I'm pro Palestinian, pro animal rights in a way that pisses many people off. You should consider fucking off now if you object to this kind of thing.

Cheers Kiddies.


PS This blog is not really fit for human consumption, it's best read as it was written, drunk on vodka or otherwise high as a kite...Enjoy...


I'm too Sexy for English

Hey English speaking guys, I'm sorry about the whole German thing, I just love love the language, I think in it, read it, and dream in it, it feels more natural to me than English.

Let's face it, English is a practical and pragmatic language, it gets the job done, but it's not sexy. European languages are sexy with their rolled r's, soft vowels, and elevated emotionalism.

English is kind of emotionally eviscerated. Whereas in German one word can be incredibly evocative of a myriad of things, like the beautiful words: "innerlichkeit" and "menschlichkeit" (as two examples out of thousands) one needs to be very clever with many English words indeed to express what these single words can suggest. We all know that brevity is the soul of wit? Well, this is why Germans are more witty than English speakers. We can say it in 2 words, you guys need 20.

I don't expect to have many friends after this, it's ok, I quite like being a pariah. Anyway, the point of all this is, I like expressing myself in German. It's a hot language, in spite of all the puerile Post WWII propaganda German speaking people had to endure. Victors write the history books, it's the same the throughout history the world over.

Anyway, over the next few posts I'm going to give you a Go Card to German, well, specifically, to German Expletives. I know them all: the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright nauseating. I'm very very proud of my mastery of English expletives, I can out cuss most people and this makes me happy. But my mastery of German filth is second to none. Surprised? Knew you would be.

Well, kiddies, I guess that's it. I have a fucking headache, I'm getting another bad head cold, I never usually get snot, mostly just glands and a head that wants explode like a young man's cum.

PS: I'm behind in my twitter homework. Sincere apologies to Herr Gänsefüßchen Mookie Gänsefüßchen (that is Herr @Schnille to anyone sane) to @CathyKeisha @Herbie_Cat and @Sir_Bailey, I have so much I promised to send to you cool guys and I will soon, a combination of being ill and slow connection has hindered me. I feel bad about this.

PPS: Have you heard Wildboutbirds and the gorgeous @thatStripeyCat are tying the knot? They're quite finicky about arrangements, and even have a classy wedding planner in @HollieFerguson. It's being staged somewhere in Virginia, aren't there still cowboys and Indians there? Good lord. What's wrong with Moscow Central Registrar? Turn up, yes yes, sign sign, Done. Next Please.
All over before some ornery old babushka screams "Nyet!"
...And her future son in law mutters: "Nekrič tak, fucking babushka..."

See you soon for your first Lesson - "Cuss Like an Obnoxious Cunt in German"

Auf wiedersehen Kiddies x


Na Ja es ist wieder da....

Und wo war es? Auf dem Tisch. Gott spielt nur mit mir... Arschloch...Fick dich...

Und noch was, was hast du mit meinem Buch getan? Es ist ja zum brechen was du mit mir treibst. Schwein. Dich bete ich nie mehr an. Nie und nimmer, hörst du?

Na ja, ich bin halt wieder knülle. Es geht niemand ein Scheißdreck an, oder? Bin halt Rauschgift süchtig, na und? Probleme haben wir alle.

Jeder für Sich, und Gott gegen Alle. Nicht wahr?

Mach's gut, Kinder x

Auf wiedersehen.


Wieder Verloren! Wo ist mein fucking Ipod? Wo!!

Wo ist mein Fucking Ipod??!! Lieber Herr Gott wo hast du es diesmal versteckt?? Wo fucking wo? Du hast nur Freude wenn du mir bescheißen kannst. Du Sau.


I Feel a Burning Need to Explain This...

This is Händel.----------------------------------------------->
I find he looks a little smug, and also a little irked.I think he probably got to looking like this from all those years of kissing the King's (Henry VIII's) pompous arse. My favourite piece by Handel is from Brocke's Passion : O Donner wort,O Schrecklich Schreien. Try to listen to it. If you like it, I'll send you the music file.

<---------This is Bach, he looks a reasonable man, he had lots of children. If you've never heard any Bach, I'd recommend "Jesu, the Joy of Man's Desinring" it's very lovely. Hello Ladies, Gentlemen, and (unfortunately) the handful of brain dead kiddies that plague me with obstinate persistence. Generally speaking, I'm quite affable, however, there are some things that make me reflexively irritated. I'm certain I'm going to sound pedantic and snobbish, but I simply don't care. I have to say it. I become deeply irritated (ok to be quite honest, totally fucked off) when people refer to all music that predates popular music as "classical". Well, it isn't. Classical music refers to a particular genre and period of music. I won't bore you with the details, but essentially Western Music can be roughly divided into the following chronological phases: Ancient-Medieval-Renaissance-Baroque-Classical-Romantic then it (let's face it) devolves to 'popular'.

(I really don't think you will find anything interesting to read beyond this point)

Some further subcategories are: Music of the Catholic tradition and music of the Protestant tradition. Both are equally stunning. The whole beauty associated with European Medieval to 18th century religion haunts and obsesses me.

Very roughly, music of the Catholic tradition had it's hey day before the Protestant Reformation which (using a very arbitrary and sexy date, but it does have some truth) began with Martin Luther hammered his 95 theses to the Wittenberg Cathedral Door on October 31, 1517. This is one of the most meaningful and significant dates in Western History, the consequences of Luther's act were profound and changed the Western World and consequently, the rest of the word forever. If you remember no other date, remember this one.

Prior to the 19th century, (1800s) most people were illiterate, most were rural peasants. The later rise of an urban society (often dismal and critically impoverished)which grew up around factories and slums was a catalyst to the spread of literacy amongst the increasingly politically self aware proletarian classes, but this was no means uniform. Essentially, it was considered enough for the proletariat to understand the Bible, be submissive, and produce factory fodder offspring.

In many illiterate societies, art assumes a greater role than it does in literate ones. We no longer 'read' paintings, architecture and music the way a person of the medieval, renaissance, baroque (esp. counter Reformation) would.

Medieval man understood the material world as merely a symbol of God's Creation. He regarded the world in Platonic terms: God created the perfect ideal, and the physical world was merely a symbol of this ideal. Heaven was not found on earth (remember in those days, life was for many, "nasty, brutish, short" (Thomas Hobbes), but rather with God in the Great Beyond.

If you need a reminder of how important art was to pre literate societies, consider the iconoclasm of the Protestants, it expressed a need to rid the world of false symbols that corrupted both the spiritual interior and obscured Man's relationship with God. Classic deconstructionism: The world can be reconstructed through destruction. It's an impulse which studs all societies across all generations.

Fascinatingly, Luther and the general Protestant movement emphasized the importance of the "Word" of God. The Gutenberg printing press was invented in 1454, literacy was inch by inch penetrating and changing society. creating new subcultures and classes, the Western world was losing it's "symbolic" consciousness and becoming increasingly a society whose thoughts and thinking processes were conditioned by the linear and logical discipline of words and sentences. However to begin with, this was confined to essentially the nascent bourgeoisie and elite.

The mass illiteracy of medieval to modern societies is the the explanation for why in those times, music assumed a greater symbolic importance than it does now. Music was a way of teaching and reinforcing the prevailing social order, which prior to the rise of Capitalism, was sacred (as opposed to profane [secular]). Simply put, music was mostly a didactic tool.

One can see this especially in the music of the Catholic tradition which is much more hierarchical and architectural (as is Catholicism itself) than the music of the protestants which expressed a more spontaneous and emotional approach to religious thinking and feeling. Think Gregorian chant vs Bach and Händel, (yes, that traitorous bastard Händel had an umlaut in his name before he decided to arse kiss King Henry VIII, but that's a rant for another day)

Well gentlemen, here endeth the lesson for today.

All didacticism is deeply and ineffably dull to most people. but I don't give a fuck, I wanted to explain this.

Yours, most affably I'm sure,

Sir Fudge Esq

PS: If anyone is interested in furthering their knowledge of this otherworldly and asthetically beautiful part of European history, I would recommend Kenneth Clarke's "Civilization". It's deservedly regarded as a classic (in the 'non ephemeral' sense). Clarke is a little sneering and stuck up about German cultural achievement, which was, like it or not, world shaping. Like most British, he hates to admit when someone's better than him, which is why World War I began. It's nonetheless a brilliant entry point into the art and mentality which shaped Western society (for better or for worse), as we know it today.

One of the next things I feel a burning need to think about is the issue of state sovereignty. Won't that be a fucking hoot.

PPS: To give an example of the synthesis of religion and philosophy with music that existed in the mind of Medieval European society, consider "Equable Temperament" I don't have the space to explain this in detail, but essentially, some musical notes were not used in medieval times simply because they did not accord with Medieval ideas of perfect mathematical scale and were therefore considered profane (they contradicted ideas of the Sacred perfection of God's Creation).

To have included them would have been to produce the music of the Devil, the "Devils Music". This is why medieval music sounds so very strange to us, they simply eschewed the use of musical notes which did not accord with their deistic world view. I find this example of how differently my ancestors viewed the world eerily, weirdly , fascinatingly, picturesque.


Sincere Apologies

Hello, for reasons I don't understand, nor care to, my net has been rather slow lately, even on my beloved nokia phone (not an iphone, a nokia) it's been horribly slow.

A few people have become a little irate with me. Their argument is that I'm deliberately ignoring them. Their ire is exacerbated by the fact that my net connection can hum along nicely and then go "bung" (usually just when they want a response)

Look, the following is the case:

1. I don't ignore people.

2. If I don't like you, I simply block, don't you know that by now? it's apparently common knowledge that I block for the fun of it, just to hurt people's feelings, not to protect my own, but to inflict as much humiliation as possible even if I only remove you or unfollow, everyone knows, that cunt Sir Fudge Esq has BLOCKED them. So if I haven't blocked you, then you can take it as given that I simply cannot get back to your DMs or tweets, and I do regret this. I don't do it on purpose. (!)

2. Just out of interest, why necessarily jump to the worst possible conclusion? If someone never gets back to me, I simply politely and gently ask if I've been annoying in some way and I rarely do this, I don't simply assume that they're acting badly toward me. I think it's cos I'm not a needy person that I never demand that people follow me, respond to me or get emotional, nasty or shrill if someone blocks me. Comes with being a reasonably well adjusted adult, I would imagine.

3. As I'm moving very soon, (end of this month) I don't feel terribly motivated to spend hours on the phone asking about the erratic connection and listening to corporate nonsense I don't understand. (It's all just fob you off bullshit, they've got your euros, that's all they care about)

4. My health is a little dodgy at the best of times, I seem to have no immune system to speak of. I'm often sleeping or since I'm shooting up again, nodding off. It's the nature of the beast. I don't get ill or sleepy to offend people.

5. If I'm tweeting with you, I like you. If I don't like you, (it's only ever because you've done something) then I'll remove you from follows.

6. I don't think you'll ever find a person who can say that appropos of nothing I've ever turned up on their DMs or timeline and been rude or aggressive if I've not been provoked first. I rarely ever initiate DM or timeline conversations, so it's clearly not the case that I start trouble.

7. I really am genuinely sorry if I can't get back to you, I don't enjoy doing it and I like chatting away so it annoys me as much as it annoys you. As I readily explain why this is happening, constantly being skeptical of me is the same as calling me a liar. Ok. That's as it pleases you.

If there's anything else you need me to explain, don't hesitate to ask kids.

Affably yours;

Sir Fudge Esq

(Cuntas Maximus)

The Chemical Wedding: I'll take you over...

Hello, hopefully somewhere, somehow, you're enjoying some sunshine or at least a break in the gloom. Although I prefer rain and snow myself. Sunshine is so...bland, somehow. Well, anyway.

I did warn you a little while ago that I'm rather taken with the love of my life with whom I've recently been reunified, and that this rekindled affair has taken me over somewhat, as you are no doubt aware if you've been reading this blog.

I'm often asked what it's like, well, there is no describing it. Let me simply say, when I'm enveloped in smack's embrace, you could break my leg and I would not give a fuck one way or the other. It is heaven on earth.

Most people then go on to ask me all kinds things, like injecting, how long it lasts etc.

1. I quite like injecting. I don't know why, it has a charm of it's own. It's a terrible backhander from nature that my veins are quite deep, so I have to pump that S.O.B up till it raises. I have to wait, loaded needle between the teeth while I keep the tourniquet nice and tight. Once the fucker is raised, I then have to hold one end of the tourniquet between my teeth to keep it nice and tight while I inject. It's not the sort of thing one can ask a neighbour to come over and help with, obviously.
Here's an important tip: make sure you tap the air bubbles out or you're in trouble. Slip it in, push, done, over in less than a few seconds. If you prefer to drink it, you can, but it's not as good. My advice is, inject, you get more bang for your buck.

Another tip, hold the needle parallel (close) to your arm. That way you have less chance of popping your vein. I've never done this (thank God) but I've heard it's not nice. So the higher you can raise the vein, the better you can see what you are doing.
Oh, and always keep yourself well hydrated. Your veins become even harder to find if you neglect this. God help you if you bruise yourself, injecting through a bruise is pure agony, but if you're not ambidextrous, you may have to. So be careful.

2. Heroin is a 'downer' that doesn't mean it depresses you, it just means it's calming. Some people throw up but no matter, you still get your high.

3. Uppers, (stimulants, amphetamines, amphetamine derivatives, "speed" cocaine, caffeine, alcohol etc and other kinds of garbage) are much more popular than smack. I think the reason for this is, people (rightly) fear the addictiveness of smack, and, taken with other drugs (as it often is) such as alcohol, uppers, or taken in an inferior form it does wreck the body. But if you eschew all other Gods, you'll be fine with smack. It is relatively non toxic to the body, it really just goes straight to the brain and binds with your opioid receptors.

So you need not turn into one of those wasted zombies (gaunt, hard faced and sunken eyed) these poor sods have spent a lifetime injecting el cheapo smack (although the pure stuff is becoming cheaper) as well as throwing anything else down their throats or up their arms that they can find.
I only use smack now. Maybe a joint in the morning, cos it's so nice, but nothing else, no alcohol, caffeine, certainly not speed or cocaine which to me is just fucking battery acid.

4. I know many people are disgusted by the thought of injecting drugs, but you know, someone once told me, (and Christ I wish they hadn't, the mental imagery is revolting) that they snorted so much amphetamine that they often wake covered in blood from their nose. For fuck's sake...I cringe every time I think of it.

5. How long does the smack high last? Well, it varies depending on quality, amount and the individual user. For me, the actual high lasts for a few glorious hours, but the residual 'feel good' can hang around for a few days for me. But I'm very sensitive to anything, so what may be true for me, won't be true for others.

6. Would I recommend it? Yes

A: Most people's personalities could be vastly improved by having smack drip fed to them 24/7.

B: It never makes people violent. I've heard of alcohol psychosis, speed psychosis, cocaine/crack cocaine psychosis, amphetamine psychosis, even caffeine psychosis, but never heroin psychosis.

C: The feeling is beyond description. To uptight, anxious people like me, it's like a few hours of respite from our exhausted adrenals.

D: It is pure beauty. That's all. Palestrina is pure music, Heroin is pure beauty. That's all I can say.

E: The "Hollywood" junkie stereotype (like most that comes out of Hollywood) is complete garbage. Stupid people will always find some way to fuck up their lives whether it's heroin, alcohol, cigarettes (ever been in a cancer ward? The smokers are the most pitiful). The hooker junkie is a product of some over stimulated (notoriously cocaine) fat middle aged Hollywood producer's imagination, with one hand he's playing with himself while he's fantasizing about this puerile shit. It's not quite the one way ticket to hell of popular imagination.

7. Would I recommend it? No

A: The addiction really really sucks. It feels like there is no way out

B: You are always wearing long sleeves. Unless you have the balls to pretend you're a diabetic or something, your public bathing days are over.

C: You are always having to rethink things eg: I have to go and see X, he doesn't know I use, ok, so I have to plan my stoning carefully, (you have to think when your next hit is due, and where you can find some private to shoot up, will you be able wear sunglasses to hide dilated pupils etc etc etc) Life gets more complicated.

D: Weaning yourself off heroin is hell on earth. Of course it's different from person to person, but to put the matter bluntly: more than likely, it's really going to fucking hurt you.

E: You become vulnerable to predatory people (including the police), you must be careful, you are indulging in an act which because it is criminalised, puts you at a distinct legal and social disadvantage.

F: Did I mention how addictive it is? You have to pay for your smack, the average user eventually shoots up say 4 times a day. That's a lot of houses to burgle, or a lot of money to wheedle out of Daddy Rich Bucks or lots of Cunta Cash.

The last thing I want to say is that, although injecting oneself seems scary to many people, have you ever given any thought to how awful it is to have abrasive amphetamine forced up your nostrils, burning away at delicate nasal tissue? There are people who have snorted so much the middle divider (I can't recall it's name, I don't want to either, the whole thing disgusts me) of the nasal passages is gonski. What the fuck? No no no...never ever.... not me kiddies.

"The deeper you stick it in your vein
the deeper the thought: there's no more pain...

Nothing means a thing to me...
Oh nothing means a thing to me..."

K: "Not an Addict"

This is really a didactic piece, not one that invites comment, you can either read it and learn from it, or ignore it. There's no other real response possible. You may want to relate your own experience, well, you can do that on your own blog or ask me to post it here for you. Anyway, the upshot is, I'm disabling comments on this.


The Streets Where Lola Played...

Hello, I've some response re comments, all of it very kind and positive, all expressing regret that I disabled them, well, ok, I'm going to reconsider them once this cold, which becoming nastier by the minute, is gone. Yes, I'm ill. Boo Hoo.

If I do enable them, I just want to say, that the personal stuff like "this made me sad, take care of yourself etc etc really embarrasses me. I don't know why, so don't say it.

Don't come whining to me if I say something you don't like. Don't read the fucking blog if you don't like it. Anything I say about bitter, twisted spinsters with fat ugly cats , middle aged retarded bitches with zombie dogs who seethe with jealousy at the thought of me, retarded American conservatives who fear the taste of chinese cum in their mouths, well fucking deal with it. I don't bother with your boring as bat shit blogs so don't fucking come onto mine with your moronic bullshit. I'm just going to delete your pointless, graceless garbage anyway.

Also, I can't imagine what anyone finds to read here. All I do is bang on about art, consumerism, drugs and what an arrogant cunt I am. What on earth is there to say about this?

I'll allow comments on this post. Thank you to all who expressed kind thoughts about this blog. I really am very brutally honest about things, so if I seem to be agonizing over decisions, the doubt and uncertainty are real.

You really don't find the invitation to comment kind of self gratifying, needy or ego stroking? I feel embarrassed inviting comments.

Anyway, I'll think about it while I nurse my aching head and listen to "O Donner Wort, O Schrecklich schreien" (Handel's "Brocke's Passion" (Oh thundered words, Oh dreadful screaming - pretty apt for this blog huh?) I always did say, if you want something done properly, get a German to do it.

Auf Wiedersehen.



Gimme Back My Bullets...

I can't post anything for the next few days. The reasons for this are:

1. I have a head cold.

2. I'm junked up.

3. I did write something but it was vitriolic and vicious even by my standards.

I'd better wait till my perspective is somewhat improved.

In the meantime, enjoy the train wreck



If Music Means More than Life, Something's Wrong

Hello, the title from this post comes from a song called "Something's Wrong", the song has some funny lines but I simply can't agree with this one.

What fascinates me about all art is that it's a pure symbolic statement of the psychological constitution of a society. If you look at the art of pre literate societies such as the Medieval and Renaissance West, you can see this is true.

Also so called "primitive" art and "folk art" has an intensity and concentration that can't be found in the art of literate societies, we no longer think in symbols, but words. It explains why we no longer build Gothic Cathedrals or Baroque or Rococo palaces. Instead we build phallic rationalist statements of concrete, glass and steel. No humanity involved there. Minimalism is elegant, but it also, I believe, minimizes our imagination and humanity. It's just what I think. I'm a conservative reactionary in many ways.

Finally, I want to point out that the architects of the Medieval, Renaissance and Rococo age were also artists, which explains a lot.

Anyway to music. I don' think that there's a problem if one prefers music to life, I really don't. Music reconnects us to those feelings that find no articulation in the oppressive piss and vinegar of everyday life. It makes us respond in a purely emotionally way, those feelings are of happiness, sadness, recognition that drives out alienation, at least for a while or simply pure longing for the things lost forever. Music is life, not a substitute for it. Not for nothing is it called the "International Language" If I was forced to the choice, I would give up heroin for music anyday. Anyday at all.
But then I probably have a powerful response to sound.
Anyway, fortunately, I'm not required to choose between either of the loves of my life in fact, they synthesize beautifully for me: here are my favourite tracks to get high to:

Not an Addict (Actually makes me crave heroin) "The deeper you stick it in your vein, the deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain"

Handel's Brockes Passion (My favourite, it's stunning, the sequence that begins with "O
Donnerwort, O schrecklich schreien") the ultimate shooting up music (smack) it's the perfect tension between hyper beauty and hyper tragedy

So Fast, So Numb (REM) esp for speed "You're drinking raw adrenal baby...Shock eyed, boy your blood is running cold..."

E Bow the Lette (REM) for smack. Brilliant "I'll take you over"

Pole Star (Tibetan Tea Party) (Smack, weed)

Bell's Ring (Mazzy Star) (Smack)

Handel's Saul (Heroin) Just stunning

Britcka (Heroin) Pure Wild, divorced from all the mediocrity of suburban life

Junky (Lynyrd Skynyrd) "Can't remember things I used to know ...take another hit, Lord, here I go"

Gimme Back my Bullets (Lynyrd Skynyrd) "Ain't foolin' around cos I done had my fun..."

Wake UP Bomb (REM) perfect for shooting up. So ironic."I get high on my attitude"

You Really should try them, they are awesome songs

Well, that's what gets me through the night, and that's alright by me.

Have a grand weekend coming up. I will, I always do. I'm a little dumbed down on valium, so nothing too profound here. But let me add, I never hid the fact that this blog was underpinned by the above mentioned team behind the blog.

Not all of this blog will be devoted to illicit drugs. But I'm just in the mood lately, and it's my blog, so I aim to enjoy it. :)

I had to bail a friend out of jail tonight, so I took two valium as I do not like police. I've taken him to an internet cafe to get some food into him while I drivel away on this blog with my ipod clamped to my ears. I don't think you can get more detached than that.

Cheers and Amen

PS: if anyone listens to these on blip and enjoys them, I'd only be too happy to send them the music files.

The accompanying picture shows a work of art by a late medieval German sculptor Riemenschneider. He was magnificent.


My Head's On Fire With High Esteem

Hi, aside from a slight head cold and haunting doubt about everything, I'm quite well and wishing the same for you.

My posts have been getting rather long lately which is a sure sign of self indulgent drivel creeping in, so in this post, I aim for conciseness. We begin.

Last Saturday night as is my custom, I went out to score from my affable and trustworthy dealer (there are some nasty shonks out there who will cut your smack with fucking baking powder, evil bastards) we spend some pleasant time chatting and bitching about the non smack world. (We feel we are a misunderstood elite)

Business done, I wondered for some time through the city, which is a fascinating thing to do on a Saturday night, well it is, if like me you enjoy looking down on the fat, the ugly, the loud and the attention seeking. (You're all aware I'm an arrogant sneering cunt?)