One of the subjects I often find myself discussing on twitter are the Lolly Cats. I'm often asked by many to explain, if I can, what a Lolly Cat is. I made the term up, so no one but me can explain it. If anyone else tries to tell you what a Lolly Cat is, don't listen to them, they are just full of shit.
Here are some Characteristics of Lolly Cats:
1. Their Mommys, Mummys, Mammys are the centres of their world. This is why Lolly Cats are often single, which leads me to my next point:
2. Lolly Cats do not fornicate. If they are male, they may harbour homosexual fantasies (not that there's anything wrong with that) brought about by their strong mother figure attachment, but they will never act upon these closet preoccupations, which neatly leads me to the following Lolly Cat characteristic:
3. They are often at pains to emphasize their masculinity in suspiciously shrill ways: the latest fad is the so called "ManCat" cave (which tellingly, often has "dangly bits" in it...Oh dear God...)
4. Lolly Cats like to eat. They especially like to bake and eat cake. I know one, who became so incensed by a female cat's attentions, he smothered her with cake. Anyway, I digress, the point is, Lolly Cats like to eat and this leads me inevitably to their next characteristic:
5. Lolly Cats are often rotund, heavy bellied, round, jug shaped, etc. In a word: Fucking Chunkers
6. Most Lolly Cats have small ears. I know one that has very large ears, but he is just a freak of nature. So I ignore them.
7. Lolly cats are very sensitive. They are also very palsy. They love to pal around. They love to hug, which is why most of them don't really like me. I frustrate their inverted homosexual tendencies by not letting them hug me.
8. While these Lollies usually coast along through life with blissed out naivety, they can and do get right ornery. It's just the funniest sight.
9. They play with tissues.
10. They don't do drugs.
11. Cynicism appalls them.
The funny thing is, two of my best friends are Lolly Cats. I have a Lolly Cats list, if anyone would like to nominate themselves for this list, please let me know, there is (would you believe) a vetting process, not just anyone can join.
There is a Lolly Cat Society, you may visit them and eat icing buttons, cupcakes and drink pink lemonade, but you may NOT swear, shoot up, bring a partner of either gender, drink till you're pissed or beat anyone up. Apply to:
The Lolly Cats
10 Love Dumpling Lane
McHappyLand
XOXO <3
PS: NB: Lolly Cats are NO way synonymous with Puritan fuckers ( puerile, vicious beasts everyone loathes). Lolly Cats are really rather nice, they don't mind if you you're a social misfit. They are like the Salvation Army really, they really, really want to HELP you.
