Cancer

Hello, I'm sorry to be such a bore and post about illness, but I promise you, after I explain what I really feel I want to and need to, I won't raise the subject again, after all, it bores me too.

In some ways, this post is a continuation of the last one, I have to explain things for much the same reasons as I did in the last post. I'd rather explain things from my perspective and be done with it for once and for all, than have a certain tweep act as though he is the source of all knowledge about me, or as a friend of mine put it "the intercessor of all mankind".

1. Over 5 years ago I was diagnosed with invasive ductal cancer stage II, the invasive refers to the fact it had already spread from it's original tumour site and broken through the duct wall. I sought a 2nd opinion which confirmed the 1st.

2. The surgeon said to me: " you're the youngest person I've ever seen with this, and I have to warn you, the demographics are against you. The younger you are, it just spreads, with surgery, aggressive chemotherapy and radiation treatment, we would be prepared to maybe guarantee you 5 years". The chemotherapy was going to last for 6 months, for 15 minutes a day, 6 days a week. I'd rather be dead, and I figured (correctly as it turns out) I probably have 5 years anyway. So I declined treatment. Had the tumour not have spread from it's original site, I may have consented to surgery, but as it had already spread, it just seemed pointless and the thought of having lymph glands removed nauseated me.

3. I've always been profoundly opposed to using animals in research and I always knew that if something like this ever happened, I would decline treatment. Also, at the time, I was working as a house model (modelling clothes for fashion buyers) while I was at university, It was a great job, I really loved it. It's a job which requires a good standard of grooming and appearance, and of course, it made treatment impossible as I didn't want to leave it, especially not for a very uncertain outcome. In any event, I had to quit as the tumour became visible and the area around it increasingly disfigured. As a house model, you're required to model both winter wear as well a summer wear/beach wear, and after 3 years, there was no hiding it anymore.

4. So that's essentially it, people can live with cancer for a long time with no obvious adverse effects. I seem to be doing ok. I get some pain here and there but nothing major, I know the time will come when the faint ache in my rib bones will become something worse and I know that any time the tumour can break off and flow in the blood stream and attach itself elsewhere to continue it's parasitic work, (so dr's have told me anyhow) But you know it's been over 5 years now and it's not so bad. As I always say, we are all going to die of something, and having cancer probably appeals to my fatalistic nature.

5. And the thing that makes me laugh to myself? I received the phone call from the diagnostic clinic on April 1st. Yep. April Fool's Day. I'm really glad it happened like that, it reminds me that it's ridiculous to take one's fate too seriously.

6. As a 'set and forget' type person, I hardly think about the cancer at all. I don't bother having it's progress tracked, I couldn't care less what it does or where it goes, like I said, we are all going to die of something, may as well enjoy what we have. I never revealed this except to a very very few others. But unfortunately, one of those few was an untrustworthy, mendacious, vicious character, so I find myself in the position where I have to openly explain personal and complicated things to preempt the lies and half truths he has been spreading.

7. I'm really not distressed about the illness in any way. I'm very very pissed off it ruined a lot of things, more than just my job, but pissed off isn't sad or miserable. I'm really neither. If anything, kind of perversely, it's given me a sense of freedom that's hard to describe, like I already have one foot in the next world so why should I care too much about pointless things? They're all just deck chairs on the Titanic.

8. Finally, I don't want to imply criticism toward those who accept treatment in spite of the suffering for animals entailed by testing cancer treatment, I understand that in terms of main stream medicine you have no alternatives.

9. I've made arrangements for my 2 dogs, 3 cats should this illness end my life before theirs. So I think all up, I've handled it with my usual mix of pissed offedness and awareness of responsibility.

10. This post has I been, I know, a dreadful bore, I do apologize. At least the OD was kind of sensational and quirky in it's own way, and in it's own unique sick way, it was kind of fun. Cancer is just so fucking lame.

PS: And no, I won't be requiring hugs or paw circles, thank you. I think you pretty much know what I'm going to suggest you do with your irrational voodoo games... not that there's anything wrong with it....

*nosetaps* !! :)