This weekend I saw the Cunta Kinta, my Omi (german for granma). I had 3 main objectives: 1. Cause no trouble 2. Say nothing, nod and smile alot 3. Stay constantly stoned.
The plan was simple in theory. I had a relative who deeply and utterly pissed me off. I said nothing, but in my mind she was slowly being roasted to death on a spit whilst marinating in my urine. Yes, yes! nasty I know...but you don't know this psychopathic slut of a woman.
Oddly enough, this horrendous bitch has managed to produce 2 rather wonderful children...two boys, who are just the coolest kids, and a third, a girl, who is rather a waste of space, not offensive, just boring as bat shit.
Anyway, the high point of the weekend, was when Omi imagined one of the kiddies gave her a bit of lip (they didn't, these boys are angels) the upshot was, the Cunta Kinta screamed her fucking nuts off...it was kind of funny but alarming at the same at the same time, she has lungs like jet engines on heat...you seriously do not want to be close by.
I hustled those kiddies off as fast as I could (in my stoned state) it was like, "come on boys, come and help your uncle Fudge in the bathroom...Kid A: hold the spoon steady Kid B: hold the tourniquet for your Uncle Fudge...nice and tight, there's a good lad..." Just for the record, Kid A is 13 Kid B is 17, old enough to assist their Uncle to self medicate as far as I'm concerned. Don't bullshit yourself they haven't seen it all before...
All the guys in my family are very cool. The drunken uncle who is fantastically intelligent and self medicates on anything with an alcohol content every night, my other weirdo uncle (nearly 50) who just laughs at everyone and oddly enough, is a health fanatic who still lives at home with omi (we only have extremes, middle of the road just doesn't exist for us, either survive any which way, or go crawl in a hole and die, I never said we were nice people)
There's also the poor bastard who is married to the horrendous bitch, he frequently rings one of my aunts almost in tears because his marriage is a nightmare...I tried to warn the poor prick when he first started courting my sister...he hated me then, he talks to me now like a desperate, lonely man...he knows better now. What can I say to him? "that's my family honey, mad, bad, and dangerous to know..."
Cheers guys, hope your weekend was cool. Anyone offended/disgusted by this post, let me tell you something sonny, I actually left out the worst bits
Until you hang upon such a cross, you won't know a thing about laughter or loss...and you don't believe me now, but you will...you will, you wil you will you will...you will, you will - Titus Andronicus
