Until you hang upon such a cross, you won't know a thing about laughter or loss...and you don't believe me now, but you will...you will, you wil you will you will...you will, you will - Titus Andronicus

Hey All, Best Read This First:

reetings and a warm welcome to my blog.

First things first

This blog contains words and references offensive to those who never made it through the maturation process.

The intellectually and psychologically impaired will find nothing here to enjoy.

If this applies to you, dear reader, you're welcome, and strongly encouraged to leave now. No hard feelings on my part.

I'm trying to make this clear to the 'boo hoo brigade". If you CANNOT grasp this simple concept. This page is NOT FOR YOU


*PS: I'm pro Palestinian, pro animal rights in a way that pisses many people off. You should consider fucking off now if you object to this kind of thing.

Cheers Kiddies.


PS This blog is not really fit for human consumption, it's best read as it was written, drunk on vodka or otherwise high as a kite...Enjoy...


My penultimate Post

Hello, I really should be asleep, I hope wherever you are, whatever you're doing, life is nice for you. It's not bad for me right now.

I've wanted to post about this subject for a long long time, what's kept me from doing it is that I realise that people have vastly different ideas on the subject and I didn't wish to appear critical of them. So try to understand, this is simply my opinion. I'm no one. I'm just one wanker among many many wankers. Who gives a flying fuck what I think? I've recently had an email from someone apologizing (for fuck's sake) for not agreeing with me, and I've had others who've said things like: "I feel bad because I use MOL or other things you don't think are that great" (that's a paraphrase but you get the idea, one hopes, it's not rocket science) Look, I'm not the King of fucking Lichtenstein, as I said here earlier, who GIVES A FUCK what I think? Why? The whole point of this blog is that it's a load of shit, drivel, I've never ever denied that.

Every time someone asks me for my blog link I always tell them: "Don't bother reading it, it's a load of crap" I just use it as a writing exercise. And yet, there's still some who get very upset, What the Fuck? I remember telling one particular weak minded twat "look, don't read it if it upsets you" fuck, it's for these kind of people that warnings like "contents are hot" on take away coffee cups exist. No, really? Are these niggahs on fucking crack? What the fuck is that?

Anyway, hopefully I've established that argument with some kind of force... can we agree now that my opinion is about as important as whether one's shit is sloppy or hard? I'm now going to move on to the reason for my post.

A reminder for the feeble minded, I'm going to repeat: this is Just My Fucking Opinion. Not a Criticism of Anyone Who Acts Otherwise.

Ok: I believe that cats 'n dogs (and other animals we share our homes with) should be encouraged to live their lives as close to the way they would in nature as possible. I believe that this makes for a psychologically and physically healthier animal. 

Cats need to feel the dirt and grass under their paws and the sun on their backs. Cats (and this goes for all predatory obligate carnivores) are the most truly alive when they are hunting, feeling and smelling the warmth of the blood of prey between their claws. It's what their claws, instincts and bodies were made for. Thousands upon thousands of years have gone into the design of these immaculate killing machines. In nature, the culling process keeps the numbers of prey and predator at a sustainable level. By domesticating cats, they produce more kittens that will survive (all of them happily one hopes) and this is of course an interference with the natural cycle of life and death animals would experience left to their own devices and own environments.

Nature is an entity that expresses extremes of beauty (always subjective anyhow) and "cruelty" (also subjective). Not for nothing was the phrase "nature, bloody in tooth and claw" coined by someone or other, I can find out the author for you, or you can probably just google it.

It was only from the late 18th century onwards that Romantic poets, writers and visual artists began to wax lyrical about 'pastoral beauty' and the heavenly bliss of nature. Before things like "enclosure laws" and urbanization (I'm trying not to get too academic and dull here), most people understood very clearly what nature was actually like, they lived by the seasons, understood their animals (within their own worldviews which were vastly different in many ways to ours, God I'm trying really hard not to digress into historical by ways and alleys) in ways which were perhaps more realistic than our own.

This closeness to nature had it's advantages, people (I'm talking about the pre 18th century Western world, although it wouldn't be much different I wouldn't imagine to some Eastern societies) shared their homes with pigs, chickens, dogs, cats all wondering in and out as they pleased. There was barely any sewerage system, who do you think ate the shit and kept and the places clean and livable? Your pet / future dinner porky pig and scavenging pups took care of that, while cats kept animals considered "vermin" within reasonable limits.

By the way, in the midst of all this with no privacy (most homes were very very simple indeedm mostly 2 room affairs) where did people fuck you might wonder? Well, as one academic suggested, they copulated out doors to get some privacy. You should know that in Europe, nudity is no big deal. It's probably a cultural and genetic memory of centuries long of fucking out doors. In the West, it's only in the English speaking nations that nudity is so highly stigmatized and sexualised. Frankly, I'm happier for people to wear clothes especially now that obesity is epidemic, but really when you think about it, we're the only animal out of all animals that runs around with fig leaves....makes us look kind of weird when you think about it.

I understand that there are those with very very good reason to keep their cats confined, in America for example, there's coyotes and other things. I am aware that there are for some, solid reasons to keep their cats indoors. My suggestion would be, rig up some kind of outdoor room. I did this in my last home it was inexpensive and looked great.Again, I truly understand that this is not possible for everyone. I'm not trying to suggest if you don't do this, you're a bad keeper of animals.

Feeding: again, try to keep it as natural as possible. Our basenji, who has been fed raw bones and high quality food from since he was an 8 week old pup, has at 11 years of age, teeth like little pearls. Our greyhound, who is an ex racer, is two years younger than Sam and from the very first day she came to us, her teeth were disgusting. Believe me, try to feed your fellow animals the freshest, rawest, most natural stuff you can find. There are two books called "The Heart of the Matter" and "Smarter than You Think" by Paul Loeb and Suzanne Hlavacek,  these are the best books about the care of dogs (and cats) I've ever read. And before I got my basenji, I read every fucking thing ever written about dogs, I have shelves full of "How to Bring up Pup Right" most of it garbage. These were pure common sense, I wish everyone with cats and dogs (or any other animal really) has a chance to read them, you can get them on Amazon.

NB: there is another book called "Dogs Never Lie About Love" the title is a little mooshy but it's an empathetic study of dogs and well worth reading. My copy is falling apart. There are some parts (only very few) I think are rubbish, but on the whole, it's worth reading. Also an old classic about dogs is by the Austrian Konrad Lorenz, "King Solomon's Ring", it's widely available in English and a brilliant read.

Back to Indoor kept Cats: Again, I understand that this is not possible for everyone and that by keeping your cats indoors, you are doing the very best thing for them, I respect that kind of care completely. I'm simply expressing my belief that cats are happiest when allowed to live as cats. This seems to be more vital to some cat breeds than others, I concede that point entirely.

This brings me to the other subject I've been meaning to post about and as this is my penultimate post, the time to do it is now.

What are Oriental Cats like? They're the best. We've lived with cats of all kinds, persian, birmans, moggies, all kinds. Our stand out favourites are Orientals. Unfortunately, they're one of the most misunderstood cat breeds. So in brief point form, let me correct the stupidest misconceptions about these cats:

1. Oriental Cats are "spiteful" I couldn't believe this heap of shit when I'd heard it. Orientals, (including Siamese) really really want to be with you. They are best described as cats with strong wills and extremely high intelligence, also, they seem to retain a lot of their ancestral wild behaviour. Many people don't seem to want their animals to show any independence, preferring instead to turn them into cuddlesome "touch me bears" perhaps that's why statistically "fluffy cats" are favoured.

2. Orientals aren't affectionate Oh God, would that were true! Trust me on this, where you are is where your siamese/oriental wants to be. It's like they're made of Velcro and ours at any rate, will bash each other with their paws to claim the spot next to our person, who unfortunately for her, has ended up on the floor in the middle of the night due to cats colonising every inch as close to her as possible, she makes a bit of room to get comfortable, and eventually runs out of bed and "plop" winds up on the floor. It happens often.

3.Orientals are neurotic no, no, no, these are cats that simply do things to the nth degree, they do NOTHING by halves, when they're hungry, they eat like swine, when they want your company, there's no getting away from them, when they hate a dog they act like they're taking on the whole world and taking No Prisoners. However, one thing is true, like most highly intelligent people, they are very sensitive, they are very aware of their surrounding and atmosphere. This means that they suffer badly in shelters and chaotic homes. Don't get one of these cats unless you can provide a quiet, stable home. Our latest addition, The Anti Fudge nearly died in the shelter, he simply stopped eating and began to froth at the mouth, he was put on a drip to keep him alive and x rayed in case he was harbouring some kind of obstruction preventing the ingestion of food. There was none, it was purely psychological. He simply couldn't cope. He's fine now, he eats like a swine and has morphed from skin and bones to a magnificent, muscly, sturdy (within his English Havana body type) specimen I wouldn't want to fuck with. Just for the record, I'm much 'softer' in temperament then him. He likes to bash everyone.

Orientals look mean They are the most beautiful cats of all. Their upward slanting eyes and lean muscular bodies are amazing. Did you know that orientals have often been described as the "iron fist in the velvet glove"? That is how their bodies feel. Their fur is unbelievably soft and their bodies without an ounce of fat, when they do get fat, it tends to go only to their undercarriage.
True "pure siamese" (our brother and sister siams are pure siamese) are not skinny at all, they are in fact very heavy bodied. Our siamese male is a huge mother fucker of a cat. The ultra skinny siams you see are not true siams, they are 'colour point orientals', that is, they are the offspring of oriental parents who have some siamese in their back ground. It's hard to get "pure siamese" but I believe there is a growing disgust with producing cats so thin that they have trouble giving birth that there is a revival of the pure siam breed. What's the point of an ultra thin cat anyway? (It's my belief that people who say oriental cats look 'mean' are expressing latent racism)

Havanas are Oriental, but Havanas can only be brown: Well this is the final thing I want to say. I'm the only Havana cat on twitter for now, so you may as well take the chance to learn something about us while I'm still here:

1. We are very rare cats. This is because brown in orientals is the hardest colour to breed for.
2. We come in two distinct body types: the American Havana which is much denser bodied, more like an average cat and the English type Havana (the original) which is much more Oriental in body type. We English Havanas are not however, "slight" cats, within our build we are very strong and muscly. But generally, in other ways, we conform to the oriental template: huge ears, long legs, slanted eyes, and long noses. Our tails aren't thin though, there still is quite a difference between us and other orientals, that's why we have our own name "Havanas" rather than just brown orientals.

We are, I'm sorry to brag, the most beautiful of all cats. Until you've seen an English type Havana, you can't even imagine how stunning we are. Our emerald green eyes, chocolate ganache fur, incredibly handsome faces and freakish intelligence make us the Gods of All Cats.

All I can say is, I'm glad I'm me, and not you ;)

Cheers and Love (I'm certain it's requited)

from your ever lovin' Mother Fucker.