The annoying thing is, I promised a friend (rather rashly) about a month ago I'd go on a rehab programme. Well, I just don't fucking want to. The thought makes me ill. And all things considered, I don't even see the point. And then on the other hand, I think to myself, I loathe the thought of being at the mercy of anything. The loathing of addiction is starting to outweigh the schadenfreude of blasting Cunta's cash up my arm. Decisions decisions... so conflicted...
Oddly enough, none of this was the purpose of this post. No Sir, it was not. Goodness, what a digression, back to reality, such as it is. I wanted to mention to you (for no real reason at all really when I think about it) the odd little things I've learnt from many of you since I've been on twitter. Some of these things are extraordinary. I'm very polite, I rarely say "that sounds fucking disgusting" or "that's just fucking weird" regardless of the impulse to express my thoughts in just such a manner.
The thing I learnt that shocked me the most was the term "fluffer", I'd never heard it before, in itself it isn't so shocking, but it was made so by the cat who told it to me, I'd always considered him to be the template of Lolly Cats. In that moment, I realized that all my confidence in my ability to analyse character was badly misplaced. Essentially, I finally realised, I was full of shit.
Things actually got worse, this cat then went on to explain in what (to me at any rate) was rather brutal language for one whom I'd always considered a bit of a priss. Without any hint of embarrassment, he explained to me that a fluffer was the "the woman who keeps the guys hard in pornos" Well...for fuck's sake dude, what?? you're meant to be a fucking Lolly Cat! you can't just blurt out crass shit like that! If anyone asks me what a fluffer is (now that I know) I would explain her role as "the off camera support for actors in adult movies", and I'm no fucking Lolly Cat that's for fucking sure.
Lordy... this happened months ago, but I still feel it like a slap. I don't know, I guess I'm naive or something. Who can explain it? Not me. No Sir.
Anyway...this incident aside, here is a list of other useful things I've learnt while I've been on twitter, if some of these make me look rather stupid, I have two things to offer in my defence:
1. I'm an idiot
2. This is the first time I've been exposed to alot of Americans. You guys are, in many ways, like aliens to me.
a) Hot Mess: I'm still not really sure what this is. I'm guessing its the type of celeb who ends up on the cover of gossip mags looking stoned? I really don't know. No idea.
b) Hugs: Look, it's an American thing. Europeans just don't go around groping each other every 20 seconds.I find the rate you guys hug eachother kind of kinky and a little unnerving. But that's me. See points 1 and 2 if you feel I'm being nasty.
c) Cuddlepile: More groping. Kind of like a group orgy. I ain't going in there... No way. No hard feelings for those that like them, but I have my dark suspicions. I accept it's probably points 1 and 2 all over again.
d) Key Lime Pie: While I'm polite about it, it still sounds kind of nasty.
e) Smores: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
f) 7 and 7: I still don't know, someone kept mentioning it to me in conversation, when I asked what it was, they rather irately explained something, I just said, "oh, ok' but I thought, "Take a downer you fucking arsehole". I think it's got something to do with vodka? Fuck knows. I lost interest when this cranky cunt went off.
g) Booger: still don't know, I always thought it referred to snotballs, but now I'm not so sure. Spare me the explanations. I don't want to know.
h) Light on the Loafers: apparently this means gay? It sounds dumb, why not just say fucking fag? Or if you want to use a grown up polite euphamism, just say: "bats for the other side", what's a fucking loafer anyway? and why does it make you a faggot if you're ligtht on them (whatever that is). I just found it dumb.
i) Merkan: This is apparently a pejorative term for some kind of American from a certain socio-economic demographic. The funny thing is, the thing that introduced me to this term is someone, who by his own definition fits the term perfectly. It's a nasty term and he is a nasty piece of work.
j) Hello Kitty: WTF?? As far as I'm concerned: Goodbye Kitty! Fuck you, you vacuous tramp
k) Grill: apparently it's slang for face or mouth? I thought it was something on the front of a car or a cooking thing.
l) Ducktail Salad: Who cares what this is. I still don't know, still don't care.
m) Hooch: never heard of it. Still not sure. Is it weed?
n) Cheezy Pouffs: I first heard this on South Park and I simply assumed it was satire. No, something this disgusting actually exists. People eat them. They make your fingers go yellow? Oh for God's sake.
o) Care Package: I'd always assumed this is the kind of thing sent to disadvantaged or displaced people. But apparently Americans use this term for any parcel with useful things in it. I get parcels from one of my aunts all the time, I was DMng with an American when I recieved my last two. He asked me what was in my 'care package' I thought he was being ironic. Well, at the risk of sounding uninformed, I still regard them as parcels. If I'm ever in a war zone and you send me useful things, I'll regard it as a 'care package'. Until then, it's just a parcel to me. See points one and two if you disagree.
To conclude, although this list is by no means finished, I'm going to complete it next time, I want to tell you about one of the most ironic moments I experienced through twitter. It makes me sneer with pleasure everytime I think about it.
I once received an email from someone who dribbled some obnoxious shit and added: "I'm concerned for your psyche". This from someone who notoriously has never been able to complete a coherent sentence and who is to put it uh gently "creepily odd". You can be certain I expressed my caring concern for her own psyche in, well, clear terms.. Gosh twitter's a funny thing. I'm learning as fast as I can. I promise.
Cheers, No Hugs tho,
Ever Your
Motha Fucka
At Your Service
Ain't you Lucky?
Sincerely,
Sir Fudge Esq (MFE)
yo.
PS: the image I put used (for the sake of having one) is of Iggy Pop and the Stooge's Album "Raw Power". It's brilliant. Or as most of you would have it "Awesome! HuGz!"
PPS: Yes, there is the German "Mookie" who loves to Hugz Hugz Hugz! don't ask me to explain this abberation of nature. I have no explanation at all. He's a freethinker or something. I'm Old School Euro, if some one Hugz me, I assume they're trying to get it on with me.
