Self Destructiveness vs Egoism

Hello,

I haven't posted much these past few days, I've been rather knocked about by past events. Not surprising. I think though, I should make some kind of entry.

This is probably of minimal interest to most people, but I want to say it anyway: all I want is smack. It's all I want. I don't want alcohol, I don't want weed, I don't want happy pills. I just want smack. It's not that I'm no longer interested in the things I used to be interested in. Those things still exist, they are all now subordinate to the craving for smack.

I prefer to be direct and honest. I'm impatient with meandering airy fairy bullshit. So I shall state things as cleanly as I can. I like danger. I like the thrill of a near miss. One of the reasons I'm a bit uncomfortable with well meant sympathy is I enjoy engaging in behaviour which endangers my life. I feel as though I'm conning people who want to express sympathy, when in fact all the while I crave and enjoy the pain, danger and panic of self destruction.

The pain of withdrawal was indescribably vicious. It took me over completely, just as this craving for smack has. But I still look back with a shiver of thrill that I endured, survived and for that time, my body and mind were completely alive in extremis.

I love the painful ache of desire for smack, I don't ever want it to leave. Once it passes, I'll be bored, empty
and resentful. I know.

This is probably impossible for anyone to understand; it seems it just has to be accepted that we are all wired up in a unique way.

One good thing I suppose, is that I'm not interested in hurting other people. Unless provoked, I never have a go at anyone. Even people who have abused my trust badly, as has recently happened, I'm still friendly...don't care really. If they died tomorrow I couldn't care less, but I have zero interest in hastening them on to their end. I don't have killer mentality I suppose. I've met people who have badly hurt others for doing a lot less than has happened to me, smashed their victims up for life...but me? I don't give that much of a fuck... about anything really.

I have no doubt that upon reading this many people might conclude that this is not a very useful or psychologically healthy way to be. I disagree. There's something to be said, I think, for a bit of welcome neutrality. The personality that isn't constantly in competition with others, that isn't interested in annihilating everyone else around them or establishing dominance.

Frankly, I prefer to spend time with people who are secure enough within themselves to not require the submission of others as an act of self realization. I can't even tell you how much I hate pricks like that.

Self destruction might be a lamentable character flaw in the eyes of many, but I think it's to be preferred, or at least it's easier for others to live with, than the insufferable ego that tries to hurt you in order to establish it's dominance. I hate pricks like that.