Until you hang upon such a cross, you won't know a thing about laughter or loss...and you don't believe me now, but you will...you will, you wil you will you will...you will, you will - Titus Andronicus

Hey All, Best Read This First:

reetings and a warm welcome to my blog.

First things first

This blog contains words and references offensive to those who never made it through the maturation process.

The intellectually and psychologically impaired will find nothing here to enjoy.

If this applies to you, dear reader, you're welcome, and strongly encouraged to leave now. No hard feelings on my part.

I'm trying to make this clear to the 'boo hoo brigade". If you CANNOT grasp this simple concept. This page is NOT FOR YOU


*PS: I'm pro Palestinian, pro animal rights in a way that pisses many people off. You should consider fucking off now if you object to this kind of thing.

Cheers Kiddies.


PS This blog is not really fit for human consumption, it's best read as it was written, drunk on vodka or otherwise high as a kite...Enjoy...


King Neptune

Allo! I  hope your little world is spinning away on it's axis just fine for you, in perfect counterpoint to the mad, insane universe even. We had no choice but to endure it as best we can, let's stop with the mindless waffle and get on with things, shall we? Shall we boys n girls? I think it behooves us to do so.

  My fish are having babies all over the place. 5 sets of eggs/fry from (obviously enough) 5 fish mothers. I am inarguably the Jacques Cousteau of the suburban fish tank. And by (only a slight) extension of the metaphor: King Neptune.

  Real fishkeeping is for intelligent, calm, observant people. It's a blokes thing, obviously. You have to measure and test chemicals, and fish are slimey. 1. Chicks are no good at science. 2. Fish look nothing like fluffy cuddly baby substitutes. 3.women only like dishwater. tank water's too icky poo for 'em. 4. you can't put a pink ribbon around a Jack Dempsey and take him to a cafe in your little chi chi handbag. Now can you?

  Don't even start with the handbag swingin' n pot n pan rattling girly. BUT, if you are a lesbian, please swing by, say hi, and tell me what on earth it is that you do for sex?! I mean, you have no penis...so...??? I'll listen with every appearance of respect. I promise.

Ok, I'm off now to keep on packing those boxes... My blue gourami should arrive today or today or tomorrow. That's monumental. I know.

All the best, cheers and lots of lesbo love if that's what gets you through the night, I just wanna know how... y'know? curious.

          xo and xoxo.


Memento Mori

  Hello, greetings Dear Reader, hope this Friday finds your little Universe in order and your wishes fulfilled (provided they are edifying of course, if not, keep your vile and puerile little peccadilloes to yourself)

 We just got back from searching for gourami fish. I want a specific type, we had to order them. It was extremely absorbing for me. A great fucking yawn for my partner. He was chivalrous about it though. So anyway, we just got home. It isn't at all practical for me to be setting up fish tanks cuz we are moving soon, but y'know, can't keep an alcy from a distillery 'n all that. Look, fish are awesome, until you've seen a catfish heroically fight with 'n conquer his zucchini (courgette) you can't say you've ever really lived!

  So, annywaay... we did my things, which was look at fish shops, then we did his things (don't ask), which admittedly, are way funkier than my things. If you have the IQ of a snake that is.

  As we are chatting n bitching away at each other discussing how massive his cock is and why do balls sag as guys age (we're gay, we don't talk about tits) the old poisonous bud in my bones begins with it's Memento Mori. It was quite painful. I didn't say anything for lots of reasons you wouldn't understand unless it was happening to you. It was just a few moments of recurring obnoxious ouch. I'm not complaining, I've had a very good run.

  And yet, I am fucking moved to complain, to screech and whine. Why fucking me?! (immature I know) But, really, why? I have jumped through every hoop, I've endured things that well, were plain shit. Fuck fuck fuck... FUCK.

  I don't want to be ill. I don't want to always pretend it isn't there. It's very exhausting. I don't regret my decision at all. Vivisection is pure evil, I don't want to benefit from it, I would have no liking or tolerance for myself if I did.

  I'm 25, I don't want to deal with things like, "I feel bad he has to cope with all our cats, dogs, fish, goats n God knows what when I'm gone." I could go on and on. And on. There's lots of things that break their way into my thoughts. Mostly I ignore them. I'm an expert at cutting things and people from my immediate mind for the immediate moment, but it's never gone. Of course it isn't.

  Well, I just wanted to whine for a bit. Aside from this, I have nothing to complain of tho. Life's  beautiful. It kinda fascinates me: finally I'm free of dependence on slime bags, dependence on drugs, and financially independent. What do I do? I don't go on some crass spending spree, I 'don't fritter resources away on lavish statements of wealth, I just, y'know, adopt cats in need, look after goats, smoke weed, bake biscuits for my dog, worship the ground my partner, His Majesty walks on. (His Coolness if he's particularly awesome) You, know, just generally mooch along in a modest, easy going way.

  Given the right conditions, we all kinda settle by default into the ruts of our inner nature, so you know, chill, peace out. Smoke weed. Luv on ya babe. Indeed. ;)

  Cheers n Luv x



It's a short walk, it's a short short walk...

^ if i just coulda learnt to love my oppressoor, i coulda been
 such a nice well adjusted boy.

Did you know, that if you keep a dog all alone, with no stimulation, no companionship, nothing; in time, changes will take place in that dog's brain. I don't mean changes of mood or "feeling" or behaviour, I mean actual changes in his brain hardware. You understand? He becomes physically a different dog. He can never change back. That's what happens to minds that sustainedly and repeatedly experience trauma, fear and physical pain.

  Experiments on rats show that if repeatedly exposed to a particular extreme of stress, they will just give up. They won't even try to save themselves. That's it, "plop", they won't try to resist what they fear or will cause them great physical pain.

  It's hard to see people empathetically, or feel a common cause with them when you have seen how people behave once they have total power over you, body and mind. Years of that, you become someone else. Your self identity becomes vague, you become vague about your existance. Life is too shaky and certainty about anything becomes impossible.

 Do you know Thomas the Tank Engine? I used to call the old man The Fat Controller, or The Fat Cunt for short.

  So I'm listening to Titus Andronicus, full of piss and vinegar, and vodka. I'm restless and edgy as hell. It's definitely a VV day, vodka and valium, the v dub of self medications.

  Cheers and love, may you learn to ignore the little shit bits, cuz you have no idea how the other half live.

This post has been heavily edited. That's why it seems to make no sense.


The Post Modernist Housemate

Posse of Angelfish. They are very macho fish.
Don't fuck with them... ;)

Hello/Good morning/Shalom etc. I truly hope all is well in your little (or big, should your ego demand it) world. Aside from an uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment, all's very pleasant for me right now.

I always get embarrassed when I blog things that are guaranteed of minimal interest to anyone (which means most of the time, let's face it).

Anyway, some time ago (maybe a year? I'm useless at time) I began to keep tropical fish, and it's pretty much turned into an all consuming past time. I would kill anyone who fucked with my fish tank.

Since I began keeping fish, I've acquired another tank, and I have another one coming, and I've also realised, I want (no, need) a very big tank. So, reckoning in Sinbad, my axolotl, I will have all up 5 fish tanks. I don't think that's unreasonable.

So anyway, I know it's kinda nerdy and *yawn* to most people, but you know, who gives two shits. My blog, my rules, fuck off if yer bored cunt, for your enlightenment and edification, I'm going to explain the essentials of tropical fish keeping.

So if you decide to keep fish, here is what you must do:

1. Buy a tank. You will need a filter, a pump and water ager at a minimum. You should buy gravel, plants, rocks and I think an air pump and air stones is highly desirable. Ideally, the tank should have a light. Most tanks come with the essentials these days anyway.

2. Rinse tank, put water in it. Put in filter and switch it on. Put in a thin layer of gravel. Put in plants and decorations.

3. Leave tank to "Cycle". Cycling a tank refers to initiating a nitrogen cycle. Why? Fish piss and shit their water (I didn't know fish could pee). All this crap exudes ammonia which would burn your fish's fins, bodies, and then kill them. To avoid this rather undesirable consequence, you need to establish a bacteria colony in your tank.

What does a bacteria colony do? bacteria will break down the ammonia into Nitrites, more bacteria will then break this down into Nitrates. Nitrates are not very harmful to fish. You will have to remove 20% of your water regularly, how often depends on a) your bioload (how many fish in the tank) b) the size of your tank c) the strength of your filter.

4) To begin the cycling process, add some fish food, old shrimp, whatever. The bacteria must after all develop from something. You will know when your tank is ready to have fish in it when you have your water tested and your readings return the desired results. Your fish shop will most likely do it for you free and advise you of the state of your tank.

5) Get some fish. The bigger the tank, the more fish you can have. Be nice to your fish, very few, if any, come from waters completely devoid of plant n rock matter. So give them lots of plants and rocks. Make 'em feel at home. Don't put lots of fish in at once. Give the bacteria time to adjust to the increased load.
Obviously fish photography is not my strong point. That aside, I included
this image to show you the beautiful blue of the dwarf
gourami. When you stock your tank, keep in mind (if
aesthetics are important to you that is) the over all look you
want to achieve. There are some truly shit tank schemes out there,
ill thought out unsophisticated garbage.

6) Now you just pretty much have to maintain your tank. Feed your fish appropriate flake, also live food (you wouldn't believe what I did to give mine live food, fuckin' bizarro).But watching my Angel fish and gouramis get a chance to flex their instincts   that thousands of years of evolution has primed them for, is pure fascinating, and the right thing to do for your fish. Otherwise, they are simply the sad equivalent of the battery chicken.

Live Plants v Plastic

Over all  live plants are probably better, but they do have drawbacks. I think, unless you're a painful snob, start with plastic plants cuz that way, you can redesign your aquascape until you get it right. You can always plant live ones any time, but kinda tricky to move them about. I'm slowly replacing my plastic ones with live ones. I've pretty much got my tank a I like it. Almost.


Because food can get stuck in deep gravel, I think it's best to keep it skimpy. I don't think lots of substrate (stuff on the bottom of the tank) is healthy. I use minimal layer of dark blue gravel with black gravel strewn through it. Dark colours, also the colour of the back of the tank if it's dark, will make your fish stand out. I see lots of people with inches and inches of gravel. Looks shit. It also displaces water volume.


Personal taste obviously. I like angelfish, gourami, dwarf gourami, glowlights, catfish and albino rainbow sharks. These are truly smart, friendly and funky fish. They eat from my hands and the feeling of their mouths on my fingertips is pure beautiful. Fish can see, hear, taste and smell. Being animals that make the most of their senses, they take a healthy interest in their surroundings. Mine congregate to the part of their tank closest me and watch what I'm doing, if I run my fingers across their tank, they will often chase them.
An ornery young Albino Rainbow Shark sees an uppity
Gourami off His territory... The Gourami, pissed off no
doubt, departs for now...
These sharks grow to a maximum
of 15 cms. So quite a large fellow to be reckoned with...
Also, fish like to play, in my tank I have a bubble wand a bubble maker. The fish will line up and repeatedly dive into the bubbles and swim through them, they then do a lap of the tank and line up again for their turn through the bubbles. (Try getting your cat or hamster to do that)

Fish Keeping

What completely draws me to this practise is the fact that it exercises both parts of the brain, the creative and logical. It's also extremely entertaining (you might have to be a certain personality "type" to be thusly entertained, I dunno) Anyway, watching my bristlenose catfish fool around with his courgette/zucchini slice is dead funny.

Watching the very "macho" and pompous Angelfish keep order in Their Tank, Gourami taking the piss out of each other, sharks mooch around... if like me you have a biophilic attraction for nature, you will be moved again and again by the beauty, the intelligence and the individual personalities and quirky dignity of your fish.

A platinum male Gourami in all his glory. These are
sizable fish of a strong character. They use their feelers to touch things
Think from memory they may be only fish to do this.

PS, if you don't want to keep fish (the fuck is wrong with you..) then at least don't eat 'em. They wouldn't eat you.