A Better Class of Criminal?

Hello! hope you're all well. Things are kind of 50/50 here. I seem to have that kind of life. Things happen in extremes: when it's good, nothing's gooder, when it's shit, nothing's shitter. You see?


This is the first of a series of posts about violence and criminality. The aim is to explore the relationship between violence, criminals and society.



I've always been a bit fascinated with criminals. Having been diagnosed with "Borderline Personality Disorder" (Whatever the fuck that's supposed be) by a distinctly unappealing psych based on a battery of  questionaires I blundered through, I kind of see the connection with their disparate lives and mine. I try to find common space with all people regardless of their backgrounds, but the truth is, I'm always more comfortable with "The Oustsider". Shiny Happy Disney People just bore the living shit out of me. I find myself wondering if they're not some kind of Android Automation with a wind up key in their backs and a "Made in China" sticker stuck on their twats. Well, I'm a bit of a cunt myself, so I don't really hold it against them. See, it's the "common space" thing. You am I, I am, unfortunately for the both of us, you. You see? Clear as mud.


There was a stereotypically clever French man, (I forget his name, but I'll certainly find out for you) who said, "Society gets the criminals it deserves" well, like most of his frog kind, he's absolutely right (I really loathe the French, they always say the right thing, so smug, so smart, I just fucking hate 'em, Give back Alsace and whatever else you frogs stole and I'll ease up. Fuckers)  Anyway... I feel nothing but sympathy for Charles Manson, Panzram, Kurtin, and even the revolting and vile Fritz Haarman. (I'll include links to some great info about these Monarchs of Madness when I've finished this series of posts). Their crimes were appalling, but the crimes commited against them were worse. They were young, defenceless, frightened. They endured horrific abuse for years. Their most impressionable years were spent at the mercy of state sanctioned sadists, such as parents, orphanages, childrens' prisons. I'm going to provide evidence (whatever that can mean to anyone)  for these assertions, don't worry.

So why are people as they are? How have you arrived at the person you are at this moment? Are you angry? fucked up in the head? bitter? happy? satisfied/unsatisfied? lots of things make you the way you are. Most things you have no control over. You might think you have, but you don't. Well, very often, but not always, (it can't be proved either way, unless you have access to every relevant detail) people who commit crimes of extreme violence are products of backgrounds that are more one way than the other. That is, they grow up in environments of extremes. Extremes of  violation, humiliation, poverty, violence, mental disturbance, psychological dysfunction and deprivation. Lots of things, almost anything. But always extremes.

Are people good, evil or just plain mad, bad and sad? I think we're all of these things. Every one of us. Some of us are more one way by disposition. Most of us can be driven to anything. It's always a question of power and lack of it. What does the worst of  monstrous psychological derangement look like? It looks like this: 

This is what was left of the White Chapel Murderer's ("Jack the Ripper") final victim, Mary Kelly. He cut her up, filleted parts of her to the bone. Disembowelled her, then, shits for giggles, decorated the room with her innards.I don't think anyone can look at her remains without wishing they could have saved her, spared her this. Underneath the human monster is an animal of emotion, some measure of intelligence and feeling. So why do this to each other? Why are we like this? There's no denying we do it. It happens time and time again. It happens in war, in peace, in times of deprivation, in times of plenty.

Well, I guess, I'm going to do my best to show you that violent criminals travel in the same time and emotional space you do. They are you and me, and you and me are they. Except for one difference: they got the shit luck of the draw. And we left them to their fate.


Cheers n Luv

Belladonna xo

Fuckery, Villainous Fuckery Hath Been the Spoil of Me!!

I am unwell. I had all this amazing (in my mind it's amazing) stuff planned. But it's just not going to happen. Thwarted by fuckery. Damn impudent fuckery and no good lazy shit for brains white blood cells who it seems cannot fight off even a simple fucking cold. <--your cue to utter the hollow, obligatory plattitudes required by etiquette.

kthnxbye

Belladonna

PS. Cos I'm a white male, I know what's best for everyone, especially ignorant 3rd world garbage. My advice is:  stay as healthy as you can, don't take your health for granted, once it goes, life's as good as fucked.

PPS: Does it really even matter if your life's fucked? I dunno. That's a question only God can answer. And She seems to be on permanent holiday since Her Son got nailed.

PPPS: God is surely a woman. Only a woman could have produced this screaming bloody infantile mess. How else to explain human nature?

PPPPS: If  you don't believe me about God being a woman, take a look at this painting entitled : The Origin of the World painted by Gustave Courbert. Those Damn French! (Kinky Smug Sons of Bitches) Now you'll have to believe me.

For Some Reason I Can't Explain, I Know St Peter Won't Call My Name...

Hello!

I hope life's been as good as it ever gets for all of you. I'm annoyed I didn't blog anything for Christmas. It often crossed my mind but Hey Ho, I was busy as all fuck.

2010 ended brilliantly for me. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful finish to a uh "mixed year". Some great things happened. Some really shit things happened. But all up, the scales finally swung into balance. Spectacularly so. Yee hay.

I didn't bother making New Year's Resolutions. Did you? Cos I'm a vegan (with the exception of free range eggs), my shit doesn't stink anyway. What the fuck do I need to resolve to do? Nothing. Pure as the driven snow.

While I'm on the subject of blogging, all blogging is a dull excercise in vainglorious bullshit. Saying it's for charity, cutsie poo blah blah blah nonsense doesn't make it any less of an excercise in nauseating excreta. My blog's no exception.

Um, well, what to tell you? My cunt of an uncle's coming to stay next week. I don't even like being in the same room as the filthy piece of shit. He's the kind of person though, if you deny him anything, he puts the worst complexion on it, draws the nastiest conclusions, and then spreads them to all and sundry. Gosh that character trait reminds me of people I used to tweet with. Anyway... as aforestated, he's simply, a cunt.

Normally I'd just go (for his privacy I'll simply call him Uncle Cunt) "Sorry  Unky Cunt, I'm ah, watching an elephant fuck a pig next week, you can't stay. Sorry dude. You're out of luck. Kthnxby"

But I'm leaving the UK soon, and as I'd rather cut my throat than ever return here, it really doesn't matter if Uncle Cunt stays a few days, I'll never see him again. I don't even like being in the same room as the sleazy prick. My partner, with whom I signed a "Civil Partnership" in the late afternoon of the 24th of Dec last year is a pretty imposing 194 cm of pure muscle, gorgeous Teutonic specimen. Uncle Cunt (who lacks all physical courage) won't fuck with either of us.

Well, Kiddies. I didn't want to bang on ad nauseum. So I'll keep it short, (if not quite sweet) and wish you all the very best for the year ahead. I've been lucky beyond words. Finally I'm drug free.

My past is very different to most peoples', it's not something I wanted the world knowing about, neither in social media nor in private life, but for a few diff reasons, I no longer care. Fuck everyone. I'm happy.  The first 18 years of my life were pure hell, the ones after that (I'm 23 now) wern't that easy either;  just less desperate.

Cheers n Luv

Belladonna  (Fudge is my Cat. I composed this post, not my cat)

10 Reasons To Be a Vegan: Now Ain't That Some Shit?!

Hey there, I'm supposed to be asleep but I keep waking up, I had some great news today and I can't stop thinking, that one brain cell is rattling up a storm I can tell you.

This is just a quickie post, like an old dog's fuck, blink and it's over, as sexy as old cheese.



1. Your shit won't stink: it's true, your shit will stop stinking and you'll produce much less of it. It will make your ass a desirable piece of real estate if your partner is so inclined to use it sexually.

2. A Clearer Conscience: Although some of you will never achieve this, it's at least a step closer to decency, which many could well do with.

3. Dairy Really Stinks: It's true! once you stop consuming it, you realise how bad it smells. It smells like raw meat.

4. It's better for you:  Nations with the highest rates of dairy consumption have the highest rates of osteoperosis.

5. For women: A female friend told me that since she stopped consuming dairy, she no longer experienced menstrual pain or clots.

6. For Fellows: High dairy consumption has been in some studies linked with cock cancer.

7. Your Dignity: What kind of a retard drinks the stuff produced for the babies of other species? It's fucking bizarre. Imagine getting down on your hands and knees and sucking away on a cow's teat?? You may as well be doing that.

8. Your Ego: Being vegan gives you sense of smug, sexy, otherworldliness. People who drink milk or consume it's value added products are like infantalized oafs. Deeply unsexy.

9. Love: somewhere, at every second you will the pin up for all cows and their calves the world over. Their Saint even, especially if they're Catholic Cows.

10. The Clincher: You'll stop being a selfish, unappealing, cruel fuck that nobody really likes

Conclusion. Stop consuming animal products. Stop using products made from the exploitation of their bodies. Stop being a self indulgent, cruel pathetic fuck.

♬   And you don't believe me now., but you will, you will, you will, you will, you will. you will, ♬ 

 LAND O LAKES FARM CRUELTY ~ PLEASE SIGN PETITION by Marla Stormwolf (Marla) on Myspace

Conklin Dairy Farms Video Shows Dairy Cows Being Violently Abused, Says Mercy For Animals (VIDEO) - Mixx

Take a look at the lives of those who live only to bring you a cheap glass of pus. Go PETA.

Comfortably Numb

Hello, wanna hear the ultimate in fucking irony? (this really is my last entry here) Quite some months ago, someone on twitter recommended I hear Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" as a kind of warning about using heroin. They blipped it for me, but then, as now, it was hard for me to get blips, it's easier here, but still hit and miss.

Anyway, after my move and getting clean of smack, I'm catching up on my song wish list. I yesterday bought Floyd's Comfortably Numb from that other God of All Things: Itunes.

I can't stop listening to it. Now why is that? Well, cos the song meant to 'warn me a little' is having the entirely opposite affect. I want to shoot up so badly, I'm actually in tears right now. No bullshit. (No big fuckin' deal either) Read these lyrics:

"Just nod if you can hear me...c'mon now, I hear you're feelin' down, I can ease the pain, relax...can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding...you are only coming through in waves...

Now I've got that feeling once again, I can't explain, you would not understand, this is not how I am...I have become...comfortably numb.."


Was this supposed to keep me from shooting up? Fuck, it's actually making me crave the 'good old days' with a vengeance both emotional and psychological in ways I can barely control. Can you understand? Probably not, and it's better that you can't. My dependence on heroin I sometimes think is more psychological (oh it's physical too alright, withdrawal only gets harder and harder to take each time), but God, when I'm not on it, I only feel horrendous psychological pain and emptiness. I can't explain. The only reason I'm not going to use again is because I have a family of cats, dogs and fish that depend on me. But I'm only happy when I'm high on heroin.

I don't want to eat, I don't care what happens to me. I take care of the others, then the time to myself is spent  acting like a fool on twitter and going out with friends and taking stupid, dangerous risks so I can try to forget. Forget what? I dunno, I can't find the words to tell you, and I don't want to. Who cares, we all have our little shit fests.


I won't shoot up again, I know that I can't. But let me tell you one thing, heroin, unlike many many people, never, ever lets you down or leaves you feeling raw, stung or eviscerated.

"There is no pain, you are receding...like distant ships float on the horizon...C'mon, it's time to go"

Freedom

Again, I'll begin with my customary wishes for your good health, and I wish this for you in all things: psychological, physical, financial, and whatever else qualifies as important to you. I'm happy to report that things are as they usually are with me, I've got some kind of a head cold and dreadful tiredness, the best thing to be said for my whining is that it's consistent. Ok. Done with Salutations.

This is not really a post it's the addendum I mentioned in my "last post" (yes it's getting kind of embarrassing, but I PROMISE you, this truly is the last you'll hear from me on this blog). What I've decided to do is, remove all followers and lock it, this will turn this blog into something I've wanted for some time: a private diary type of thing and a writing aid.

If you remember, my "last" post was meant to include a note or two about freedom, only I was a little tired to conclude as I'd intended. So here it is. (Once again, there's nothing terribly interesting about this for anyone it's not bread 'n circus or boo hoo, so I suggest you go do something else), I just want to write this, whether you read it or not doesn't concern me in the least.

A year or two ago, I was listening to a radio broadcast. The announcer asked his listeners what they considered to be the most beautiful word in the German language. My first thought was "Freiheit" (Freedom) inevitably someone rang up and suggested the word. (It really is a bit of an obvious candidate after all) the word which eventually won general consensus made me puke, it was as embarrassingly mooshy as sloppy excrement.

Freedom is one of the most perplexing, preoccupying abstracts of human existence. What is it exactly? Is it the capability to think, speak, act as one chooses? That would seem to be the most immediate, logical definition of freedom. But this definition is impossible within all social, cooperative societies, human or otherwise. Let me show you why: If freedom means the aforementioned, then paedophilia must be permissible, then beating your wife to a pulp would be perfectly within behavioural norms. As most societies regard such behaviour as anathema, then "Freedom to..." cannot be the sum total of freedom. There must also be "Freedom from..."


What does this mean? It means that children should enjoy freedom from paedophilia, women should be able to live freely in the absence of physical fear. So now comes the Paradox of Freedom: In order to have freedom, we must have laws. There is no freedom in the absence of law. If there are no laws (remember laws need not be institutionalised, there can be laws of tradition, culture and community) then society becomes predicated upon the only remaining constraint: the Law of Muscle. In other words, the Alpha dog rules, Brawn becomes the sole means to political and material success. Do you see?

So freedom is both a positive thing: the Freedom To and a negative thing: the Freedom From. But how about if we say "Well, stuff it, let the weak, the defenceless look out for themselves, (that nearly always means animals, women and children) We want TOTAL freedom to act as we please, no government, no cultural norms, I'm alright Jack, fuck you if you can't compete".

Well, what's wrong with this concept of freedom? Why should the strong be held back by laws? Why should man's behaviour be constrained in any way at all? Is there any drawback to this? (except to the defenceless targets of  inevitable violence and control)

Well, yes, there is a drawback. Let's argue that we don't care about the weak, the defenceless, the impoverished, the functionally illiterate, let's just say "What the fuck, Do What Thou Wilt, that is the Sum of the Law" this is surely, unarguably, true freedom isn't it? If I want something, and I have the muscle power to see my plans to fruition, why shouldn't I steal, rape, murder, mutilate, cheat, exploit just as I please? Why should my desires and instincts be delimited in any way? What's the ethical/philosophical argument against that and who should arrogate unto themselves the power to decide what I can and can't do?

My response is this: if Man is allowed to live by pure instinct, with no consideration for laws, then he is not truly free at all. Acting out of instinct is not an exercise of "free will". Free will involves some kind of conscious choice about our actions. There is freedom inherent in the ability to decide for oneself, ie: I choose this course of action or equally: I choose not to pursue this cause of action. If I live only by the dictates of my emotions, instincts, impulses, I am not exercising Free Will, I am no more free than the oyster that must open it's shell according to the pull and sway of tides and light. If I live only guided by instinct, than I'm simply no more than an unreasoning clockwork spring. We can choose to obey or disobey laws, the point is, we are free to choose. If we simply live by desire, we choose nothing but to become slaves to our instincts.

Freedom is, and is not, so many things, I want to go on and on and say more, but I'm conscious that this is not a world beater in terms of exciting reading (it would be for me, but that's by the by). Neither I, nor anyone else can ever define for you what Freedom, that beautiful, elusive abstract really is. And if someone ever tries to tell you, simply remind them that once something is defined, it's automatically limited, and you would prefer not to have your will to reason on the subject limited in any way by anyone, thanks all the same.

So let me finish by telling you what Freedom means to me: you've heard the word "innerlichkeit" here on this blog before, at it's most basic it means "innerness"

Tennessee Williams in his brilliant play "Orpheus Descending" wrote "We are all of us sentenced to solitary confinement within our own skins" This is nothing to be afraid of. Your inner space is completely your own, it's the place you can freely, thoughtfully and calmly ask questions of yourself and the world around you. It is uniquely yours alone. No one is you and you are no one else. You don't need some new age fucking crystal or some hocus pocus "leader in prayer" to colonise, direct or control your thoughts. You alone must answer to your conscience. Is it ok with you that the defenceless, the poor, the functionally illiterate are exploited and impoverished to benefit a wealthy few? Is it ok with you that animals are kept in extremes of pain, deprivation and extremes of misery so that human animals can live a few years longer or stave off a few wrinkles from their aging faces? 

Making the most of yourself isn't buying a better house, losing a dress size, getting letters after your name, it's using your head, it's involving your judgement, intellect and awareness of others in all of your calculations and sense of attachment to the world. Even if it means becoming detached from the things that just don't fucking matter at all: material bullshit that clutters up your mind and NEVER fulfills you for more than a few illusory moments

I've expressed something very complex crudely, imprecisely and clumsily. This is something for people a lot better informed and smarter than me to explain to you. I've done my best within my limits of time, vocabulary and intellect. My limitations are here for all to see and that doesn't bother me one bit. We all have them.

This is the last thing I want to say to you here.

Cheers and Love.

SFE

Last Call for Drinks

Hello, I am as well as can be and I'm sincerely wishing the same for all of you. This is my last post on this blog, it no longer serves me any purpose to keep it. I'm instead going to concentrate on my other blog which is attached to my other account. I'm not certain if I'm going to keep it completely private like a diary. (there are things I want to write about that I simply wouldn't tell anyone, only my therapist, and only to him when I'm completely trashed on drugs. That's no exaggeration boys 'n girls) Or (to return from this digression) I may start another one as a private diary and keep the people one as a public one. I'm not certain. As you would all know by now, takes me ages to make my mind up about things. But I'm certain of one thing, this blog is ended.

I want to thank all the people who've taken the time to make comments on my drivelling snivelling shit, that was very forbearing and kind of you.

I'm still going through the (long) process of copying and saving all posts I wish to keep, once that dull and irritating job is finished, I'm going to delete this blog.

I certainly got a lot out of this blog, but things have changed quite drastically in my life, many for better, some, unfortunately (health related) for worse, there's no longer anything I can post for public or shall we say for "Anipal" consumption that is going to be of any entertainment 'bread 'n circus' value. So it's better to just leave it here.

I'm really proud of this blog, but I suspect in general terms, it was pitched to the 'wrong' crowd. You get me? There were many who got much out of it, but irritatingly for me, the majority couldn't understand what the fuck I was saying half the time. It's not their fault, it's just that East is East and West is West, and ne'er the twain Shall Meet.

I think though, that if you were honest with yourselves, you got something out of me and this blog too, whether you liked it or me or not. Even if only the introduction to new words, and certainly an insight into a way of looking at things from an objective, not subjective viewpoint.

There's a lot of very very sweet and worthwhile things that made me extremely happy at times on "Anipal" twitter, but unfortunately, there's a lot of vomit inducing ego neediness, hypocrisy, one upmanship and sniping too. I'm so glad to be gone from it.

If anyone feels a burning need to stay in touch with me, send me a DM to SirFudgeEsq account and I can give you my new tag, I really don't mind who wants it. But you would do well to remember this: While I don't go out of my way to be crude, I don't watch a fucking thing I say; like or lump it. Your sensibilities, your children, aren't my responsibility. I don't give a fuck about them. Who you follow, what you read, is your responsibility not mine. Some people desperately need to grow up and understand this.

NB. If you're going to RT all that nipclub/party/rainbow bridge/purrs for pointlessness/ sky pram loony tunes shit, I won't follow back. I don't want to know about that garbage, maybe when I'm middle aged and have Alzheimer's or something I'll see some merit in it, but for now it's just nuthouse nonsense.

You can just send me a blank DM if you want the tag of my other acct. If for some reason we got disconnected but we got on fine and you can't DM me, you can always email me at SirFudgeEsq@Gmail.com

Cheers, and fare thee well, thanks again for the follows and comments on this blog, even some of the nasty ones, some of which the stupidity and naivety made me cringe, some of which made me MOL!!! (!) and some of it which plain scared me, in the sense of "what kind of people are these fucking nasty nutcases"

While I'm here, there's two more things I want to say. I received a message a little while ago on face book thanking me for a favour I did, but in this same message, the person called me "acerbic". I told them I accepted that was their opinion and I wasn't going to argue the point. I asked instead, "I often wonder if people think about how they appear to me?" I received no reply to this not unreasonable question. That's what "Anipal" twitter has been like for me much of the time. I've been the object of scrutiny and critique, but you can bet your arse that scrutiny has never been applied to where it desperately needed to be applied to: the journey inward.

The journey inward is always the hardest and the cruelest to make. That's why it's easier and more smugly self reassuring to criticize 'The Other'.

The other thing was about 'freedom' I'm pretty tired now so I'll ad it as an addendum later. Ok, so this is another sort of penultimate post.

I'll instead leave you with a line from a song of one of my favourite ever bands:  "are you just too fucked up to understand me, or is it the other way around, maybe it's both and I just don't know which is what? It's alright the way that you live, it's alright" Titus Andronicus: To Old Friends and New

All the Best.

Cheers,

SFE x