Until you hang upon such a cross, you won't know a thing about laughter or loss...and you don't believe me now, but you will...you will, you wil you will you will...you will, you will - Titus Andronicus

Hey All, Best Read This First:



Greetings and a warm welcome to my blog.

First things first

This blog contains words and references offensive to those who never made it through the maturation process.

The intellectually and psychologically impaired will find nothing here to enjoy.

If this applies to you, dear reader, you're welcome, and strongly encouraged to leave now. No hard feelings on my part.

I'm trying to make this clear to the 'boo hoo brigade". If you CANNOT grasp this simple concept. This page is NOT FOR YOU

REPEAT: WARNING: BLACK IRONY. NASTY SELF PISS TAKING HUMOUR. FUCK OFF NOW IF YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND THIS. I WON'T MIND. EVER.

*PS: I'm pro Palestinian, pro animal rights in a way that pisses many people off. You should consider fucking off now if you object to this kind of thing.

Cheers Kiddies.

Belladonna



PS This blog is not really fit for human consumption, it's best read as it was written, drunk on vodka or otherwise high as a kite...Enjoy...

14.8.10

Comfortably Numb

Hello, wanna hear the ultimate in fucking irony? (this really is my last entry here) Quite some months ago, someone on twitter recommended I hear Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" as a kind of warning about using heroin. They blipped it for me, but then, as now, it was hard for me to get blips, it's easier here, but still hit and miss.

Anyway, after my move and getting clean of smack, I'm catching up on my song wish list. I yesterday bought Floyd's Comfortably Numb from that other God of All Things: Itunes.

I can't stop listening to it. Now why is that? Well, cos the song meant to 'warn me a little' is having the entirely opposite affect. I want to shoot up so badly, I'm actually in tears right now. No bullshit. (No big fuckin' deal either) Read these lyrics:

"Just nod if you can hear me...c'mon now, I hear you're feelin' down, I can ease the pain, relax...can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding...you are only coming through in waves...

Now I've got that feeling once again, I can't explain, you would not understand, this is not how I am...I have become...comfortably numb.."


Was this supposed to keep me from shooting up? Fuck, it's actually making me crave the 'good old days' with a vengeance both emotional and psychological in ways I can barely control. Can you understand? Probably not, and it's better that you can't. My dependence on heroin I sometimes think is more psychological (oh it's physical too alright, withdrawal only gets harder and harder to take each time), but God, when I'm not on it, I only feel horrendous psychological pain and emptiness. I can't explain. The only reason I'm not going to use again is because I have a family of cats, dogs and fish that depend on me. But I'm only happy when I'm high on heroin.

I don't want to eat, I don't care what happens to me. I take care of the others, then the time to myself is spent  acting like a fool on twitter and going out with friends and taking stupid, dangerous risks so I can try to forget. Forget what? I dunno, I can't find the words to tell you, and I don't want to. Who cares, we all have our little shit fests.


I won't shoot up again, I know that I can't. But let me tell you one thing, heroin, unlike many many people, never, ever lets you down or leaves you feeling raw, stung or eviscerated.

"There is no pain, you are receding...like distant ships float on the horizon...C'mon, it's time to go"
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