Sometimes you burn, God rest your soul...Each time it comes, it eats me alive...Radiohead: Sulk

I haven't managed to be this stoned in a long long time. Not since my smack binge, which I consider the highlight of my drugging career.

Here are 5 Reasons not to do smack:

1. Nothing will ever feel as good again, ever.

2. You are constantly wearing long sleeves

3. It's almost impossible to ever reach that state of pure bliss ever again (especially for me as I never take uppers of any kind)

4. Weaning yourself off of it is a fucking nightmare.

5. The rest of your life is filled with a painful, aching longing that just won't ever fucking leave you alone.

Here are 5 Reasons to do smack:

1. You can experience Heaven whilst yet on Earth.

2. You can curl up in a bubble of serenity that will protect you from everything (while it lasts)

3. You will experience the delicious thrill of being an outsider in a plastic, dull, homogenized world.

4. If you give it up, the aching, longing need for it, although pure hell, is almost kind of sexy.

5. It's just the most beautiful thing on this planet, along with Radiohead, Rosary beads,Russian novels and Robots.

I don't regret it for a moment, but I do miss the days when getting high was a little easier , it's just so hard now. There are many people who do smack all their lives and they function perfectly well, they simply know how to pace themselves, not me, it gives me the psychological peace I crave and I can't leave it alone.

When I go t pick up my weed (which is just not working for me these days) I'm always seeing someone I know hitting up. Fuck it hurts, I almost cry with frustration. Where before I'd stay and chat to everyone and have myself a grand time (my dealer is brainy, clever and a close personal friend) I have to turn away and get the fuck out of there.

It should be legalized and made a controlled substance. That way, no one gets hurt. It's the fucking around with it's quality that causes all the problems. You should be able to buy heroin at your supermarket. Why not? Smack never made anyone ornery or violent, unlike alcohol and uppers which are responsible for your usual Friday night sick fuck yobbo violence.

If you could buy it along with your laundery powder at a reasonable price at one stroke you've eliminated:

1. a black tax free market worth billions of dollars
2. it's uncontrolled quality which is what causes most problems associated with its use.
3. People would hit up instead of acting like fucking drunken anti social prats.
4.Probably about 60% per cent of crime and the massive costs associated with policing it.

There are plenty of other solid arguments for it's legalization, but the people who benefit from the most from it's illegal status don't want this to happen.

As far as I'm concerned, if something grows naturally out of the ground, I have every fucking right to use it as I please. Who the fuck is some sniveling cunt in some brain dead bureaucracy to decide which bits of nature I can avail myself of and which bits are taboo Do they think they're fucking God, decreeing for me which is the fruit of all evil. Fuck them, fucking morons.

Well my darling readers, I'm off wait catatonically while this stoned state passes. I had so much fun when I was smacked up. I was never so happy. Everything else is just details.

Erowid Heroin Vault : FAQ

Attention Whores: Your Live is Passing You By.

This is my natural enemy. I'm so low key, easy going, I don't applaud big mouths or whiney babies, people who take control of situations. I don't give these people the attention they crave.

This makes them very irate with me. It's as though I'm not showing them the deference they feel entitled to.

I learnt just an hour or so ago while I was getting stoned with a friend that one of these attention whores has been DMing my friends telling them that "one day, I'll turn against them and target them."
Am I going mad? Have I somehow landed into a bizarre and evil kindergarten for retarded psychopaths?

I was going to post a blog whining about the soul destroying frequency of this, but you know, I deleted all that shit. I've decided instead to say, everytime this happens, I emerge a little more battle scarred but also a little more sure of myself. I've been thinking for a long time that I should just go, but the thing that keeps me here is that I love my Sir Fudge Esq creation. I'm not going to throw it over for a pack of unintelligent, jealous old women battling bitterness and menopause. Fuck them.

I've felt so disgusted to my stomach by what those aging bitches said that I found the timeline hard to face. Fuck that. I know them well enough to know that they all suffer from some kind of psychological dysfunction to an extreme that precludes them from acting with any kind of decency. Let's face it, that evil retard's reaction to being removed from my account was bitter, twisted, and deeply vicious.

In their sick and aging minds they think they can act any way they want toward me, betray confidences, send vicious dms, email my friends with arrant and cruel bullshit and invade my privacy, then they scream blue fucking murder if I dare try to defend myself.

I've had an unbelievable amount of support in the form of emails, DMs, comments on my blog, standing up for me on the timeline against low life arseholes spraying away at me in front of everyone. Fuck it all. If I was really such a disgusting evil piece of shit as this tiny minority say I am, why would I have so much support? I'll tell you why, because I treat people with utmost respect, it's a part of my culture and upbringing to do so.

I won't deny that I've hit back as hard as I can when I've felt hurt. But I think many people would have reacted the same way in my situation. I apologized for my excesses without in any way conceding blame for how this nonsense arose. You can see it for yourself it's the post here entitled "Dear Pepi."

So you go ahead you aging viscous fascist conservative bitch, send your little lying DMs, one of the people you sent it to said: 'That bitch needs a good fuck and a fucking good lesson, I'm sick of how she crawls up everyone's ass, who does she think she is?"

May I just point out one thing to you honey? I have never, not once, ever, sent a DM bitching about you. Why, Why, Why can't you poisonous little small minded fucks leave me alone? I can answer for you, cos you're jealous, you're outraged that I had the temerity to break your little control freak games and remove you from my account.

You're a bunch of slutty jealous old women who hate me because life has passed you by, I remind you that no one's fucking interested in a bunch of deranged bitches who try to intimidate everyone around them.

In terms of the ability to make lovely and loving friendships, I suspect your, not my days, are numbered. Fuck you.

To end on a bright note Fedsey won. How we love him, perfect example of the perfect Germanic male. Friendly hard working, humble, easy going and cool. He is the Radiohead of Tennis.

It's grand to get this out of my system.

My deepest thanks, love and undying loyalty to everyone who stood up for me and sent messages of support and also to my darling Annabelle and my beloved friend the Herbie_Cat who kept me sane.


Love and Cheers

SFE

The Great Beyond: Alles in Allem

Hello, I hope all is well with you, it's peaceful for me, which I think is the most beautiful feeling of all.

I was up late last night chatting away to a friend of mine (a real one) about, naturally enough, cancer and death. I don't dwell on it, but the subject was raised rather impolitely and shockingly by someone I can only describe as deranged, so inevitably the illness and it's consequences are on my mind.

I don't intend this post to be morbid, I'll leave that to pawcirclers who spam up the twitter page till it resembles a morgue.

We return to the subject of this blog. Unless you are very young and you are diagnosed with cancer, you can't really understand what it's like. For me anyway, it was surreal. I couldn't have been more shocked than if someone had told me I'd grown a third fucking ear on my head. The feeling of unreality was the worst thing for me. I truly felt as though it was my head on someone else's body. Even now, I still sometimes think is this really happening?

My outlook of life is that I think it's undignified to struggle against the things we can't change. I don't feel miserably resigned to a horrible fate, I feel peacefully reconciled to a fact of life.

I have to confess, I rather despise people who hang on to life till the bitter end, what's the fucking point? Contrary to what a few poisonous people here think, I don't suffer from Egoismus Giganticus (I just made that up). When I die, I know the space I'll leave behind will quickly be populated by another body, that's the way nature works. My death will be no more significant than as if a speck of dust had left the planet. And my nihilism makes me at peace with that.

I sometimes think egotistical types instinctively dislike me because my perspective invalidates their inflated Me! Me! Me! bullshit. These are the kind of people who at 180 years old will still insist on wasting taxpayer's money with chemotherapy to give them a few more months of pain filled whining existence. Needless to say, I'm a big believer in euthanasia.

Death itself doesn't frighten me, it's an inevitability of life. It's ridiculous to get excited over something that will happen to us all. At a minimum death is simply the cessation of life, of consciousness, some stupid Repub retard (there's a tautology) said something about me dying and going to God (get this) "if God will have you!" it was so stupidly dramatic, such awful kitsch prose, she really thinks that speculating about when there's going to be a Communist Hispanic President in the White House (It's inevitable) is enough to consign one to Hell I bet she thinks there's a Devil there too, if there is he looks like George Bush.
The rest of her drivel was unreadable (that bit at least made me laugh) so I simply consigned it to where it belonged with the press of the delete button.

My pantheism precludes me from accepting medicine which has been tested on animals. The testing of cancer 'treatments' (none of which are consistently successful anyway) on animals is particularly horrific. Yes yes, I do imagine I look like a freak. But I wonder, if you've read about and seen footage of animals in laboratories whether you would feel the same? If I go through life compromising one principle after another in the service of my own interests, there's no point in my being alive in the first place.

If we don't have some kind of consistent overall Weltanschaung and conscience for which we are prepared to make sacrifices or take risks , then we are simply reduced to production and consumption units. I can't live like that. I'd rather be dead. I don't expect people who blog about plague ratsies to understand this.

I've not been the timeline in a real sense since a certain cold hearted and deranged piece of shit suggested that I had lied about my condition. Her psychotic attack rattled me. She attacked me in this way because I'd removed her from follows, that's all. Can you believe that? What kind of perspective is that?

Like I said, egoistical, intellectually dull types instinctively dislike me. I salute them with one finger. Fuck them.

Dear Republicans

I do hope you'll reconcile yourselves to the fact that one day there'll be a communist Hispanic US president. I know it hurts. Oh how it must fucking hurt.

The Black Church will become the Official Church of America, and you'll have to suck brown cock. I believe in jails in the USA, this already happens. Fun Times huh? Can I watch? I'd love to see your lip action, it's already exciting enough to watch y'all bend over for Obama. I have some advice to you: it will save wear and tear on your sphinctre if you relax and accept the inevitable. I'm enjoying every minute of it. Delicious.

But if you reconcile yourself, it will be easier for your dying philosophy of oppression and hate.

I'm sorry I missed that argument in which a sweet pug was reduced to tears. Was it something about the American military mistreating dogs? They probably mistook them for Arabs. I believe that kind of stupidity and cruelty is a fair sample of the intelligence of the US forces? (how wrong it feels to use the words intelligence and US Army in the same sentence)

Hope you like the taste of Hispanic/Black/Chinese cum in your mouth, cos you'll be swallowing plenty of it one day.

I believe China is already feeling it's muscles huh? Better learn to use chopsticks before you're forced to. That's my advice to you, the world hates you, you may as well reconcile yourself to this sooner rather than later.


Cheers Comrads!

PS: Has anyone ever noticed how the English speaking West always needs a whipping boy? First it was the Germans, then the Russians, and now it's the Arabs, poor bastards.

Dear Pepi

Dear Pepi/Michele

I hope this post finds you well. Though my volcano is spent, I can't forgive you for the breach of my privacy and the attack on my character. Because of this, we will never be friends.

I realize that you felt abandoned by me, and I'm very sorry you felt that way, it's not a nice way to feel. I'm very aware that I'm not the most tactful, gentle person in some ways, it's my binary code brain. Sometimes though, that can work to my advantage when I'm trying to make something clear to someone.

When you got back from your holiday, two things had happened to me: 1. I was using prozac, it gave me the mellowness I absolutely crave, I was able to really 'feel' my character again, which is very laid back. You yourself had read my tweets (to my surprise) and said to me "What's happened to you, you've changed, you've calmed right down."

Indeed I had. I explained to you unambiguously on more than several occasions that I didn't want the same relationship we'd had before. It no longer interested me. I was perfectly prepared to be on friendly terms with you, but I think I'd changed too much for that to happen. Where you wanted action and loud conversation (there's nothing wrong with that, I just didn't want it any more) I wanted to be calmer and enjoy my new found peace. I don't think you can deny I explained this in a very straight forward way to you.

2. While you were gone I made new friends. loved my new friends, really really loved them, I still do. I think you found this very difficult to adjust to, and I felt bad for you, but your way of tweeting with me precluded proper discussion with other people. And I no longer had the nervous energy (due to the prozac) that could tolerate the kind of high voltage games we used to play, even if I still wanted to, the impulse just wasn't there.

Whenever you tweeted me, I responded politely but I refused to be drawn into an exclusive discussion with you about 'your' things knowing I'd be caught up in them for while.

I suppose what happened was, you became irritated with me, and I with you. You felt it as abandonment (which I'll concede to a degree it was, but I was always prepared to be friendly to you, but not exclusively so) I felt it as oppression. We had drifted apart. That's all that happened there.

I wish for your own sake you had not:

1. ignored what I was trying to tell you, it made me instinctively withdraw from you.

2. Told Mathew I had cancer. I never wanted to be your enemy but you became someone I could no longer trust on any level, once trust is gone, it's gone, why did you do it? He emailed me the DMs, I could clearly see where he told you several times "don't tell me, if Fudge wants me to know he'll tell me, it's his business" you just blabbed it anyway, I don't understand this Pepi, not at all.

You have told me things about you which I'm certain you would not be comfortable if I told other people here, let alone comparative strangers as Mathew was to you. Don't worry, I would never tell anyone anything said to me in confidence. I believe you panicked because you thought you were losing me. What a miscalculation on your part, it shocked and hurt me very very badly, I nonetheless took my time before I decided on removing you from my account, I think you have to agree that understandably, it was inevitable.

Please don't try to tell me you did it out of consideration for me, there was nothing practical to be gained by telling a virtual stranger that I had cancer. Let's just agree that there is no real explanation for revealing this.

If you could have apologized, and you had plenty of time to do it, there was at least a week after I got back from hospital when you could have, we would be speaking today.

I removed you from my account and locked it. I don't think this was unreasonable. I think you're reaction, what you did next, was in any one's terms, horrendous. It makes you look frightening. It was unnecessary and
once again, I was very fucking shocked by what you did, as were the people involved, that's why they told me the things you said.

It's all blood under the bridge, it's taken a long time for me to lose my anger and sense of, well, disorientation. It's creepy and I think you know it. Just for the record, I never approached anyone, it was all told to me. I never sent anyone a DM saying: Did you hear what that cunt did to me? blah blah blah. I recieved dms and emails from people who were quite upset by what you were saying about me.

Earlier when we were still talking I posted a blog which you suspected was about you, it was only marginally so. I was a bit angry about how you implied there was a lot of hatred for and fear of me. You refused to give me names, I'm reminding you of this so you can see how I felt when I blocked you and when I posted the "How it feels to be the Target of Gossip". You were no doubt rattled by this, but everything I said in that post was true. It's not my intention to hurt you by mentioning this, but I want to remind you that the only thing I can be blamed for is falling out of friendship with you. I never sent emails about you. I listened when people told me what you'd said about me (who wouldn't?) and made my decision to raise the subject on my blog.

You may argue that this was a cruel thing to do, but it's no different, and more honest and open than sending private dms, emails, accusing me of God knows what.

I don't expect an apology from you, I don't really want one.

What I want to do is apologize to you. There is no sarcasm here. I should have been more assertive and honest with you and told you, "you know what Pepi?, let's just agree that we've drifted apart, I'm sorry but I think it's better if we don't pretend we have anything in common. I want out"

I'm not going to speculate on whether your reaction would have been any different, all I know is, I want to say I'm sorry you were hurt and I'm sorry I was dismissive of you and not honest enough to say, "I don't want to hang out with you anymore." Up until when you blabbed to Mathew, I did try to explain, but I should have been clearer and less ambiguous. I'm no good at that kind of thing, but then very few people are, but I did try to tell you.

I know I've been very vicious in retaliation, but there were other things you said to people that hurt me very badly, I'm going to brutally honest with you: because I was so disgusted by what you did, I really really wanted to fucking hurt you so hard.

I unreservedly apologize for everything I said about you. I sincerely feel badly that I caused you hurt. It was a shit way for me behave.

Whether you feel you have anything to say to me is up to you. I'm not trying to be cold, but I know I never want to speak to you again. That doesn't mean I don't feel bad for the things I said, but for me, as for you, there's nothing to be gained from any further communication between us.

I really don't care what you do now. I don't care if you keep talking about it, posting tweets or DMing about it, whatever. Do as you please. I'm not bothered, say what you want. Our paths will never again cross so what's it to me what you say or don't say? I really mean that, if someone comes up to me and says: "do you know what Pepi's been saying about you?" I'm going to sincerely reply "So fucking what?, he can say whatever he wants" I just don't fucking care.

What I do care is that you understand, I'm very sorry for hurting you. Had I acted as I should have, I would simply have ignored your behaviour.

I reacted out of anger, and a sense of outrage. But the matter is now dead for me. I want to end by iterating, I'm sincerely and unreservedly sorry to you Michele.

Housekeeping and Addendums

Hello good heavens it's just pouring out of me like bile from a bastard... oh wait...never mind, moving right along...Ok, I think it's only fair to advise you of changes I'm making to my blog.

As you'll no doubt be aware Planet Fudge seems to under siege from Cyber Republican Zombies With No Brain. Well, whenever extreme right wingers come along, they radicalize everyone to the left. So what's happened is, I've devolved from being a relatively benign Brezhnev commie to a psychotic pussy Stalinist.

I've consulted my commie "How To" manual, and I've imposed the following decree: Even though my little schtick says "....and I don't censor" comments, I'm now going to censor. I'm going to leave the little blurb though cos it makes me look cool and imparts a veneer of democracy. Well you know, I'm a communist, you can have as much democracy as you want, as long as you say the right thing. That's what The Manifesto tells me anyway. It worked for Stalin. Ok, everyone hated him but who was going to tell him right? (Hahaha?)

Three things gave rise to this limitation on your freedom of speech:

1. A puerile Repub tried to pimp its fucking fascist blog on my page

2. Seriously, reading Repub rants are as boring as bat shit. Almost as pointless as watching one trying to think, read one fascist drivel you've read 'em all.

3. A stalker slut published what she believes is private details about me. She can do what she wants on her own fucking blog for her 2 or 3 readers, but I don't want that shit here.

I mean she wouldn't want me publishing very private, embarrassing things she's told me would she? I fantasize about doing it, but I'm a decent communist, I don't do that kind of thing. The little graceless retard may do as she wishes on her own piece of shit dull plague ratsie blog.

Anyway, that's going to make us nice and cosy, Welcome to behind the Iron Curtain. Things are going to get a little wilder and a little more smutty here. A repub was apparently offended by my language (this moron just doesn't get 'it'but then Repubs are offended by anything not Mom's hunky chunky home style gormless boring as bat shit apple pie) Why read it if she doesn't like it? Why Why Why? I mean, I'm never going to read her dried up boring dull prose drivel?

Anyway, I do enjoy offending shit for brains fascists so I'm going to ramp it up. Fucking Fascists, they just lack style, no one likes them, they're boring 'folksy' people, I'd rather fuck a Lolly Cat.

Ok Comrads. I expect I have your consensus, your approval yeah whatever? Like I give a fuck whether I do or not, I'm the dictator of my mad little blog, what I fucking say gos.

Nazdravie guys!

love


Sir Fudge Esq

Don't Y'all Get Too Familiar

Hey guys, haven't we had some fun lately! Stirring little Republican Crackers up and riling them to righteous anger is what I like best. Hell hath no fury like a Cracker scorned, I really don't like them, never did, they're just so deeply unsexy and fucking violent with alot of Arab blood on their hands. God Bless Palestinian Liberation.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few politically conservative friends, but they aren't the "fuck the third world to pieces" types. They are the 'old school' European conservatives, more 'noblesse oblige' than "Gimme Arab oil, or I'll bathe the Middle East in a sea of Arab blood, and while you're at it, buy our revolting chain store food, dress your daughters like whores and your sons like rent boys'. Welcome to the West.

I like the West, (well, Europe anyway) and if a woman wants to dress in Fuck Me clothes, I don't look down on her and I respect her right to present herself as she wishes, it's American cultural imperialism that revolts me. The homogenization of the world into one big soulless shit faced supermarket, full of pointless plastic, obesity and Britney Spears wannabees that no one likes. Trust me, everyone with a functioning brain repudiates this garbage.

There's lots of things I like about America, The Black Church, The Black Panther Movement, Obama, American Communist Movements, American Catholics, American Democrats, Jazz, Blues (Black Blues) The New York Met, Arab Americans, pretty much love all Americans except for Repubs ;), I mean specifically, the bully Repubs who reduce Democrats on twitter to tears and laugh about it. But then Repubs don't care who gets bullied as long as the target is: non white, democrat, non American, non Repub, did you notice my Hammer and Sickle ushunka? These people really are fucking scum.

The title of todays post is a line from a Billie Holliday song. (A black woman, she could sing) I love her so much, I especially love her version of "I Cover the Water Front" it's stunning. As Palestrina is pure music, John Lee Hooker's cover of this song is pure beauty.

I really pray that Anipal twitter gets more racially and culturally diverse to break the stagnant and stultifying stranglehold of the intellectually mediocre "good old boys". These guys hate anyone with a brain, really, really fucking hate them, that's why they always go into bat for their natural constituency: moronic white trash with the combined iq of a donut.