Dear Pepi

Dear Pepi/Michele

I hope this post finds you well. Though my volcano is spent, I can't forgive you for the breach of my privacy and the attack on my character. Because of this, we will never be friends.

I realize that you felt abandoned by me, and I'm very sorry you felt that way, it's not a nice way to feel. I'm very aware that I'm not the most tactful, gentle person in some ways, it's my binary code brain. Sometimes though, that can work to my advantage when I'm trying to make something clear to someone.

When you got back from your holiday, two things had happened to me: 1. I was using prozac, it gave me the mellowness I absolutely crave, I was able to really 'feel' my character again, which is very laid back. You yourself had read my tweets (to my surprise) and said to me "What's happened to you, you've changed, you've calmed right down."

Indeed I had. I explained to you unambiguously on more than several occasions that I didn't want the same relationship we'd had before. It no longer interested me. I was perfectly prepared to be on friendly terms with you, but I think I'd changed too much for that to happen. Where you wanted action and loud conversation (there's nothing wrong with that, I just didn't want it any more) I wanted to be calmer and enjoy my new found peace. I don't think you can deny I explained this in a very straight forward way to you.

2. While you were gone I made new friends. loved my new friends, really really loved them, I still do. I think you found this very difficult to adjust to, and I felt bad for you, but your way of tweeting with me precluded proper discussion with other people. And I no longer had the nervous energy (due to the prozac) that could tolerate the kind of high voltage games we used to play, even if I still wanted to, the impulse just wasn't there.

Whenever you tweeted me, I responded politely but I refused to be drawn into an exclusive discussion with you about 'your' things knowing I'd be caught up in them for while.

I suppose what happened was, you became irritated with me, and I with you. You felt it as abandonment (which I'll concede to a degree it was, but I was always prepared to be friendly to you, but not exclusively so) I felt it as oppression. We had drifted apart. That's all that happened there.

I wish for your own sake you had not:

1. ignored what I was trying to tell you, it made me instinctively withdraw from you.

2. Told Mathew I had cancer. I never wanted to be your enemy but you became someone I could no longer trust on any level, once trust is gone, it's gone, why did you do it? He emailed me the DMs, I could clearly see where he told you several times "don't tell me, if Fudge wants me to know he'll tell me, it's his business" you just blabbed it anyway, I don't understand this Pepi, not at all.

You have told me things about you which I'm certain you would not be comfortable if I told other people here, let alone comparative strangers as Mathew was to you. Don't worry, I would never tell anyone anything said to me in confidence. I believe you panicked because you thought you were losing me. What a miscalculation on your part, it shocked and hurt me very very badly, I nonetheless took my time before I decided on removing you from my account, I think you have to agree that understandably, it was inevitable.

Please don't try to tell me you did it out of consideration for me, there was nothing practical to be gained by telling a virtual stranger that I had cancer. Let's just agree that there is no real explanation for revealing this.

If you could have apologized, and you had plenty of time to do it, there was at least a week after I got back from hospital when you could have, we would be speaking today.

I removed you from my account and locked it. I don't think this was unreasonable. I think you're reaction, what you did next, was in any one's terms, horrendous. It makes you look frightening. It was unnecessary and
once again, I was very fucking shocked by what you did, as were the people involved, that's why they told me the things you said.

It's all blood under the bridge, it's taken a long time for me to lose my anger and sense of, well, disorientation. It's creepy and I think you know it. Just for the record, I never approached anyone, it was all told to me. I never sent anyone a DM saying: Did you hear what that cunt did to me? blah blah blah. I recieved dms and emails from people who were quite upset by what you were saying about me.

Earlier when we were still talking I posted a blog which you suspected was about you, it was only marginally so. I was a bit angry about how you implied there was a lot of hatred for and fear of me. You refused to give me names, I'm reminding you of this so you can see how I felt when I blocked you and when I posted the "How it feels to be the Target of Gossip". You were no doubt rattled by this, but everything I said in that post was true. It's not my intention to hurt you by mentioning this, but I want to remind you that the only thing I can be blamed for is falling out of friendship with you. I never sent emails about you. I listened when people told me what you'd said about me (who wouldn't?) and made my decision to raise the subject on my blog.

You may argue that this was a cruel thing to do, but it's no different, and more honest and open than sending private dms, emails, accusing me of God knows what.

I don't expect an apology from you, I don't really want one.

What I want to do is apologize to you. There is no sarcasm here. I should have been more assertive and honest with you and told you, "you know what Pepi?, let's just agree that we've drifted apart, I'm sorry but I think it's better if we don't pretend we have anything in common. I want out"

I'm not going to speculate on whether your reaction would have been any different, all I know is, I want to say I'm sorry you were hurt and I'm sorry I was dismissive of you and not honest enough to say, "I don't want to hang out with you anymore." Up until when you blabbed to Mathew, I did try to explain, but I should have been clearer and less ambiguous. I'm no good at that kind of thing, but then very few people are, but I did try to tell you.

I know I've been very vicious in retaliation, but there were other things you said to people that hurt me very badly, I'm going to brutally honest with you: because I was so disgusted by what you did, I really really wanted to fucking hurt you so hard.

I unreservedly apologize for everything I said about you. I sincerely feel badly that I caused you hurt. It was a shit way for me behave.

Whether you feel you have anything to say to me is up to you. I'm not trying to be cold, but I know I never want to speak to you again. That doesn't mean I don't feel bad for the things I said, but for me, as for you, there's nothing to be gained from any further communication between us.

I really don't care what you do now. I don't care if you keep talking about it, posting tweets or DMing about it, whatever. Do as you please. I'm not bothered, say what you want. Our paths will never again cross so what's it to me what you say or don't say? I really mean that, if someone comes up to me and says: "do you know what Pepi's been saying about you?" I'm going to sincerely reply "So fucking what?, he can say whatever he wants" I just don't fucking care.

What I do care is that you understand, I'm very sorry for hurting you. Had I acted as I should have, I would simply have ignored your behaviour.

I reacted out of anger, and a sense of outrage. But the matter is now dead for me. I want to end by iterating, I'm sincerely and unreservedly sorry to you Michele.