I'm Here, and now I'm Gone

Well, I arrived. Yay. And the trip? To put the kindest complexion on it: I don't travel well. I'm conservative by nature, once I've settled, I like to stay settled. Change, uncertainty, transience, it all terrifies me. I don't even like to be in places where transience is a part of their function, such as hospitals, airports, train stations and the like. They all depress me horribly. I'm acutely oversensitive to mood and atmosphere and it exhausts me. Even seeing a person with travelling bags makes me feel sad and anxious for their welfare. I'm just a hypersensitive nutjob, I'm quite aware of this, so don't feel guilty if that's what you're thinking.

Our new digs are old, it's an old, old remote and rambling country house. my ancestors have been born here and they've died here, and I'm pleased to be where I belong: a part of the emotional and genetic ancestral chain.

Well, so I'm here, the next thing to do is to bathroom rehab. What a fucking nightmare that's going to be. It has to be done though, I have lives that depend on me so I have to get on with things. This time, after I withdraw, if I find that I can't stop the cravings, I'm going to have to take meth whether I like it or not. Doesn't work for everyone though. Fucking fucks me off more than I can say. If I didn't have others to care for, I'd just shoot up day and night. Someone sent me an email once calling me "junky shit", it made me laugh, only someone who doesn't know what it's like would say a thing like that.


Well, I guess I'm left with the last thing I wanted to say, and it's this: Goodbye. I knew I wouldn't be back to Anipal Land after I moved. There's lots of reasons for this, none of them nasty, I just need and want to move on. I'll still be on face book because I quite like wondering around saying hi without getting into conversations I'm too tired for.

I have another account I just use for people and I'll be there more. Anipalia is too much of a "community" for me. I don't want to be a part of anything. It's just in my nature to be like that. I said here once before, I don't have a sense of "kiddie fun" and I just don't belong. To put it brutally: I'm too cerebral and too "no nonsense" to be of any use to anyone here. So I'll just stick to my other account and keep this blog cos I like it, but I'll probably start another one anyway just for political, social and musical stuff.

The last time I left, I wanted to stay gone, it was only because of a particular friend who got pretty bullish about me staying that I stayed. I really didn't want to come back, neither would many of you if you had your private details spread about on cyber space via dm, timeline and blogs for all to see. The location details posted about me were actually those of my relatives, I felt like guilty shit because my relatives became involved in this horrible mess. Can you understand what that felt like?  Their location information for all to see, strangers, freakhows, anyone at all..

I think the lie that I "laughed at dead and dying animals" hurt me the most. I no longer trust anyone in cyber space because of what happened. Finally, the nasty insinuation by a particularly mean little miss that my illness was a fabrication, for reasons I can't really put into rational words, shocked me to the core, and scared me. Believe me, I didn't want to come back.

To the very small minority I dislike intensely, and who have spread lies and malicious gossip about me, I have this to say: you're dumb, dull, boring, and stupid with it. You make me cringe in embarrassment with your childish attention seeking antics and lies. You're an embarrassment to every sane person here.

To the vast majority I like more than I really know how to put into words: I love you all very much.You're truly good natured, sweet and have been very tolerant of me. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for your friendship.

Take care.