Until you hang upon such a cross, you won't know a thing about laughter or loss...and you don't believe me now, but you will...you will, you wil you will you will...you will, you will - Titus Andronicus

Hey All, Best Read This First:

reetings and a warm welcome to my blog.

First things first

This blog contains words and references offensive to those who never made it through the maturation process.

The intellectually and psychologically impaired will find nothing here to enjoy.

If this applies to you, dear reader, you're welcome, and strongly encouraged to leave now. No hard feelings on my part.

I'm trying to make this clear to the 'boo hoo brigade". If you CANNOT grasp this simple concept. This page is NOT FOR YOU


*PS: I'm pro Palestinian, pro animal rights in a way that pisses many people off. You should consider fucking off now if you object to this kind of thing.

Cheers Kiddies.


PS This blog is not really fit for human consumption, it's best read as it was written, drunk on vodka or otherwise high as a kite...Enjoy...


Don't Try This At Home

well well... i'll begin with my customary salutations and best wishes for your health. I'll get straight to the point as I'm neither feeling in a very purple prose nor in a literarily expansive mood.

To begin with tho, congratulations to America on the re-election of its 44th President Barrack Obama. He is awesome. I was deliriously happy. I stayed up all night to watch. Republicans are shit sticks and fucktards. We all know that.

Ok, on to me.  (naturally, as I am after all, as some of how you have politely pointed out, a wanker), I have had a horrible time.

In brief:: I began to experience a condition where I could not breathe properly. It became by degrees progressively worse. The Dr gave me antibiotics, 2 weeks later, no improvement. i went back, by that time, I could only walk 3 steps before I had to stop and force air into my lungs.

I was sent for an x-ray and told to return that day.. I did. The upshot of all this was, my right lung had completely collapsed. The Dr and practice nurses explained that that the entire lung was full of  fluid and that I had to go to hospital straight away.

Ever the optimist, and having a deep seated dislike of drama queenism and excess attention. I suggested that as I still had one functioning lung, could I not go tomorrow? No, apparently, that would not do. The dr explained to me that if left untreated,  the collapsed lung could (apparently) at any moment flop over onto the healthy lung and squish it. To add force to his argument, Herr Doktor informed me that in any case, it wasn't legal for me to drive in my condition. I conceded that might be a clincher. So, i was hustled off to a room and had some tubing stuffed in my nostrils to feed me air. And of course, then followed the inevitable embarrassment of my "pre existing condition" (the collapsed lung was on the same side as the tumour)

It's embarrassing and awkward. Hey ho, shit happens. i was shoved into an Ambulance and asked lots of questions, I find this irritating. Like "fuck off, we all have comps these days, get the info from ur data base asshole..." Shit and shit.

 Well well, in emergergency, I was given morphine, (shitloads of it, they couldn't understand why it wasn't knocking the pain out. it was the one high (!) point) and a tube was pushed into my lungs through the rib cage. It fuckin' hurt. It really really fuckin' hurt.

This tube was attached to a box thing and my lung fluid poured into it. Now here's the bit that's worrying. My lung fluid drained red. Apparently this is cause for concern cuz it's supposed to be tea or straw coloured. With my pre-existing condition (as the Drs euphamistically put it, I was like, just call it Krebs dudes, I know very well it's there) red coloured fluid is rather... bad. So I was informed.

I'm not going to elaborate much further, there isn't much more to tell. I discharged myself the next day. They took the tube out (fucking ouch) stitched the rather sizable hole back up again (more more more fucking ouch) and gave me a little warning lecture about my health status (you don't say guys) and my partner drove me home.

Well, I am still waiting on results of the test of the lung fluid and the other scan. i forget which, the one where they inject u w the stuff that gives u a metallic taste in your mouth n you feel you've pissed yourself) I've been back to get the stitches out but it hadn't healed enough. They're still in there. I asked the dr about collapsed lungs, were they not a relatively common thing? nothing to get too excited about? He replied "no, they're not common" I mentioned I'd known ppl with staph infections with collapsed lungs...couldn't it be something as simple as an infection? He said "no, they have probably had a bad infection. You had a complete collapse of the lung". He seemed sad when he said it.

It may just be my paranoia/suspicious or sceptical mind, but i got the strong impression he wasn't telling me something.

I'm much better, but still not good as new. I have these horrible sensations of gurgling in my lung and my ribs are starting to hurt more and more. None of that is conclusive of anything, it's just extremely blah.

Ok, so here's what I want to tell you: Whatever happens to you in life, wherever you go, take care of your health. This was no fun at all.

Don't smoke cigarettes, don't eat overprocessed crap. Don't drink sugary lolly water. Just don't. Don't let things get under your skin, don't let them insinuate themselves into your psyche till your thoughts and memories become mere impulses of pain. Don't let anything/anyone hurt you. Stay away from predators.

I learnt this all too late. I believe much of immune weakness is because we psychologically don't know how to protect ourselves.

My greyhound Zephyr died about a month ago, I was and still am, totally crushed. I'm a self harmer and always have been. I internalise things and they eat away at me. My anxiety levels reach peaks that ppl without the condition don't experience. It's hard to describe how i felt when zephyr died. I felt dead and pointless. I loved her.

if as the drs think, the collapse of my lung and the red lung fluid are cancer related, then this is pretty much the beginning of the end. I'm not afraid of dying. But the thought of not being able to go about my daily life is terrifying. I'm 25 years old. I want to run around with our goats, hang out with m'man and take care of the house. Life's good. I don't want to spend the last years/months of my life in pain, struggling for breath or doped up in a hospital bed. I'm hoping to fuck I can stay out of hospital for Christmas.

Most ppl in first world societies will never experience the things i experienced. It was a nightmare that I'm not strong enough to wake up from. So, as many of you (free from memories that still shock and numb) have this advantage over me, you have the luxury of safe guarding your health with greater confidence and self belief than I ever had.

Please listen to me, take care of yourselves, you don't want to go through this.

Cheerz n Luv.